Actual Size

wow

2006-09-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

it's like i've dated this guy...

Maybe the love you won't receive
Would lead me beyond that part of me
And I know it's sad but I agree
You gave it away too easily
When all of the things you made me see
That lead me to this solemn decree
I ain't sayin she's better than you , you see
She's just better than you, for me

So throw those hands up
I didn't mean to drag you down
And keep that head up
It's better than the runaround

Maybe your mother won't ever see
Half of the us become a we
And I know it's sad
But I agree
You could just leave so easily
And all of the things you showed to me
That lead me to this solemn decree
I ain't sayin she's better than you, you see
She's just better than you, for me

So throw those hands up
I didn't mean to drag you down
And keep that head up
It's better than the runaround

And later on you'll be grateful
That I gave it to you straightaway
Cos honestly
I could have said
These things happen every day

Like all your men set in the past
It's better to leave without being asked
So tell me again you'll let me go
Without saying things you already know
Like it's over
And you dont know her
But let me tell you honestly
I aint sayin she's better than you, you see
she's just better than you, for me

metaphors: shaken, not stirred

2006-09-03T21:59:00.000-07:00

today i found a butterfly with its wings in tatters. i picked it up, but i couldn't kill it. The philasophy at the rehab clinic is to not let living things suffer, but I never feel like it is rightly in my hands to choose life or death for a creature i don't know, excepting a number of circumstances. so i moved this particular butterfly to our garden in the back and maybe a bird would see him and eat him- which is probably how he ended up that way in the first place, or maybe he would die, but at least not in the dirt of a driveway.

sympathy empathy and antipathy

2006-09-03T00:17:00.000-07:00

one thing, possibly the only thing that consistently bothers and shows me that things are changing (hopefully for the better) but significantly nonetheless...is seeing through people. some people can't be honest with themselves, and so can't be honest with others, and this is sad, because otherwise they are valuable friendships and quality time investments. but when someone has to hide elements of themselves they hold core and yet can't bring public...they are not themselves, they retreat into the world they create and you lose them.

oh well, but it's painful to see how many people do this. occasionally people you know well and have known for years will perform a variant circus act, where they retreat into a relationship and change because of it. yes strong bonds can change people, and do, and show us things about ourselves that we would never have otherwise learned, good and bad. it's not been so long or so insignificant that i've forgotten this- but why do so many people fall into the trap that the rest of life is deserted when a strong relationship is formed? this can't be healthy.

am i the only person who thinks you should be able to be happy in an honest and open relationship and still have the rest of your life at hand? i know that this expectation signals my immaturity, my reluctance to embrace an all-encompassing relationship again, and that is on me- but i think that it's an important pattern to note. how many people do this, why do we do this, is survival instinct so strong that we begin building that emotional den as soon as we find a handhold?

immaturity aside, it speaks to the one expectation that i do have and will not settle to see unfullfilled. i will find it to be true or admit idealistic defeat, but i beleive there is someone out there who is happy, strong, open, who loves to live and share life but still knows how to love singularly. this can't be impossible, but it seems to be more seeking the lion in a crowd of housecats.

i hope that i don't lose too many friends to the great belly of serial monogamy. keep your heads above water.

wolfman

2006-08-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

okay the blog is back at least for now because when you stop blogging lots of random things happen.

today we went to the dog park, me and one of my many friends with the name 'chris' and he's growing a beard, which we didn't anticipate being problematic, but one dog did not approve of his beard. She kept growling and barking at him. At one point she got between me and him and was barking at him to get him away. Verrrry strange! We assumed she thought he was the wolfman and was upset by this idea. Chris also brought a pug he was dogsitting named Buster. This dog was cute! And very tolerant of Laurelai's puppy shenanigans. She did pretty well for her first time at a dog park. She hid behind me and under people and attacked some dogs while rolling on her back in a submissive fear daze for others.

In other news, my cousins from North Carolina were here for a few days. That was fun! We did lots of stuff. We unpacked boxes, walked up hills, ate foodstuffs, baked cookies, went down the shore for a day, rode a ferris wheel, rode a carousel and the slingshot, bought caramel corn, visited the wildlife rehab, played with the puppy, visited the horse, named a shape in the trees 'Tim Stanley' and told Cailin she was a good girl.

Having a dog means meeting alot of new people. It's lots of fun! The pup is getting bigger but her weird head bumps are not really getting better. However, she is turning out to be a brindle pattern which is a cool surprise. She's gained four pounds in three weeks. She was dropped on her head by my roomate and had her first emergency trip to the hospital, she fights regularly with the cat, who has taken to biting her head, which is kind of entertaining but ultimately really detrimental for healing whatever that stuff is.

Things at home are moving along in terms of being moved in and having organized workspace (generally due to having spent alot of money on organizational stuff and some home items), but there is a permanantly stinking cat litter box which makes life in a small apartment generally unpleasant and its owner is a bit too busy to change it. It's not even something that should be an issue. Soon it won't be. Things need to move a little more smoothly on the home front or change significantly. But I will be starting school in a little over a week so will be home less. I am sort of excited for classes but also apprehensive. But I love me some learning so I can't wait really. I am going to go insane trying to work and do school both full time, but it can and will be done.

I have pictures to put up but not tonight.

Nikki's mom came up to the barn with me one day to meet the horse, the puppy came along for her first day at the barn and was terrified out of her mind. But she has since gotten bolder, and jealous when I am doing something with the horse. Which is funny because he gets jealous when we are all paying attention to the puppy and not him. I definitely love the dog, but I love the horse in a totally different way. Those two animals are so different to relate to, and I know no matter how good the dog, no animal can ever replace the spot King has in my heart. That horse is the best thing that's ever happened.

Anyway, then fisher and chris and I went to Rittenhouse with her bunny and my puppy and people literally lined up to pet the most adorable pair in the park. It was ridiculous. Of course I learned to tell people 'staffordshire terrier' after hearing no less than three stories about pit bulls mauling people, and after people who had been fawning over Laurelai kind of backing away slowly after learning her breed. It's painful to witness that kind of ignorance firsthand. Oh but I will post a picture from that day:
Yeah that's the cutest thing you've ever seen. Don't even try to deny it. You can even see the little pink of Laurelai's tongue licking Franklin's cheek. Man they are too cute. And I am bunny-sitting this upcoming week so they will have more quality time together yay!

Fisher also came out for a playdate with Marcel (well so Franklin could play with him, not Fisher herself), the lop eared rabbit at the Wildlife rehab clinic. Marcel is sort of our mascot and is a cool dude but had been without a female bunny presence for so long he forgot all of his manners and chased her around in almost violent fashion for a while. But eventually they sort of did their own things. He did take the time to strike fear into the heart of the dog though. Laurelai was interested in Marcel but he was not interested in her so he jumped up in the air over her head and caught her with a claw on the way and she yiped in pain and surprise and came running for mommy. My pit bull is afraid of bunnies. Well a little healthy respect can't hurt!

She completely ignored the chickens, but they were also bigger than her at the time.

Ok there is more but see if it gets here.

get it together

2006-08-01T13:46:00.000-07:00

Hopefully blogging will help me focus. I've been working and music exploring all day, I think 5 ish is a good time to switch gears before trying to get a little more work done. Because so far, not that much is getting done or quickly at that.

The rest of Nashville time was tons of fun. We went to a honkey tonk bar, I partied with some very cool people. I have never gotten so filthy at a bar though. People were extra-wasted because Brewfest had been that day, so most people came out to drink more...after drinking all day.

My pants and feet and flipflops were black. Horrifying!

Before that interesting night, we went to the zoo and all the animals were out and active. And the cool thing about the Nashville Zoo is that there is a historic farm on the premesis. They had a tenessee walking horse and a Percheron. Bea-yoo-tee-full. And they had a hysterically loud sheep.

We also fed some lorakeets, which was cool. They sit on your arm and drink nectar out of a cup. Birds sitting on me is something I have become extremely used to, but those are babies before they reach the fear stage, and while they still identify you as a source of food. So it was cool to have some adult exotic birds hanging out.

A cool african crested bird we weren't allowed to feed.

Crikey!

We drove down the recording studio streets and saw these beautiful historic houses that have been converted to studios, so cool. I will always love recording studios, who knows. Maybe one day I will get back into it.

I returned my dog to the spca today. I couldn't take it anymore. She was too crazy. She's a good dog, but crazy. And maybe not even good. I prefer not to find out.

But tomorrow (I thought I had another week at least) I am going to pick up my puppy, the real dog that I have wanted from the get-go. It feels right, while everything with Nera just felt stressful. People who spend alot of time with domestic animals can read them quickly. Sometimes an animal just doesn't like you at first. And in every dog owner's life, there is one dog that is 'their dog'. That one perfect canine companion. It happens, but it's not every dog that we own. Horses are hit or miss too. You can buy a horse thinking it will work out and find that you are horribly matched. But I knew with King that he was the one for me. And he turned out to be the best thing I ever spent my money on. I feel similarly about this dog. I have an underlying positive certainty that this is right.

Me on a racehorse : )
I just think this is a cool shot.

do re me fa so la ti da

2006-07-28T15:06:00.000-07:00

I was going to blog the other day, but then I slacked.

We went down the shore this past weekend, that was sweet. A few days of sun and a little relaxing, and late night work. The dog was a freaking terror, she picked up the habit of eating shoes and trash. Ruined two pairs of flip flops and basically just begged for an exorcism.

Mark enjoys the most delicious 10 minutes of his life.
Chris reaches for his gun...sike.

So I sat out on the beach for a day and used my superpower of super-mega-insta-tan, which is usually followed by super-mega-insta-nose-peel. I can't list all of my super powers, but I can list my kryptonites: escalators (when carrying luggage) and spinning doors.

Then my paycheck proceeded to not arrive, and my checking account to fall below minimum balance, so I had the happy task of closing my savings account and depositing it into my checking account to stay head above water. Which I am doing just barely. I am sure my paycheck wasn't processed in a timely fashion and thus I am s.o.l. for a few days, conveniently I am touring around Nashville. Not the best time to have my hands tied.

On the plane ride down this disarmingly sweet woman started chatting with me while I was reading, and she started talking about normal things like where she was from and stuff like that, and would interject interesting things like her mother is from South America but she was born in Louisiana and lure me into this folkloric security, imagining all of the rustic charm of her life, and then she would interject that sometimes she had thought about killing herself when times were hard and did I know Jesus, he is a good guy. She would continue to do this after I pried myself out of her conversational grasp. Luring me in with a story about her son's cancer (something to which you can't be like listen lady, I don't care) she said that Jesus saved him. Which I am sure he did, but I already know about Jesus and didn't care to hear about him for 2 and a half hours, but I did. I only got about 20 minutes of silence. This woman's daughter was in the aisle across from her, sending silent signals that maybe I would like to read my book. Maybe I would, maybe I just would. But I did get pretty far with the book which is my favorite thing about plane rides. They offer the opportunity to ignore the high probability of death by aggressively immersing yourself in literature. This particular book is in Italian and is a tale near and dear to my heart, so all the better.

Nashville is cool so far, very interesting things here. Mexican popsicles in a crazy variety of flavors with all real ingredients (I had chocolate wasabi- ouch!) a park with a replica of the Parthenon, and hot hot weather, though the storm system I was hating in Philadelphia has followed me down here. I hear tell that it wasn't storming before I came here but flying out we had to avoid a storm and were grounded for about an hour, and today it is raining and going to storm a bit probably. Seriously- the next six years between now and when the world is projected to end are going to be miserable if this is any indication.

I got a ton of work done today for once in my life- probably having something to do with not having to get up and yell at the dog every two minutes. I went with Nikki to her cool science lab and parked myself with my laptop to dig out of my hole. So far getting better. This might be the opportunity I need to get on top of things. I hope so.

I am passing off this dog, so if anyone wants her, please speak up. She is a good dog, she is much better trained since our return from the shore and she is a fast learner. She's a quality dog, but she's not my dog. I am basically fostering her. I am hoping my younger brother will want to take her. I am, however, taking the pit bull puppy based on how she looks when I go to pick her up. We visited her the other day and she hasn't gotten much bigger, though some of the puppies have grown significantly. Her mother has a fur condition that makes the fur on top of her body thinner, I am hoping that it's not a genetic condition. I'll be doing a little research over the weekend since I am supposed to take her next week- though I think I will push it to the end of next week. I feel the affection for this dog that I can't feel for Nera for whatever reason.

Anyway, that's kind of crappy. But things are looking up...and getting rain in their eyes.

furniture theiving and labor movements

2006-07-23T01:25:00.000-07:00

the days just get more interesting anymore.

today started off with a trip to a yard sale (something i haven't been to since i was ten, when i thought i could buy the world for five bucks) where we obtained some crap we didn't really need but it was cool so what the hey- and then some crap we did need, like an office chair (i.e. the world) for $5. You can't beat that when you've been sitting on a footstool for the last four months. Plus the dog can chew on it and who cares-... or could if she wasn't terrified of it, a terror encouraged by me wheeling around the room at her. At least now she leaves me alone when I am working at my computer : )

then after some furniture buying, we made a failed attempt at XPN's 'All About the Music' Festival. Apparently it was 'All About the Goddamn Rain' and the show was cancelled, rescheduled, and moved to an indoor venue that you couldn't buy tickets for, all right before Josh Ritter's set. Lovely, just fine. So I had gone down to Bookbinder's with Deb, she wasn't able to get off work (a good thing in the end) and I had to drive her car back in a sudden monsoon that was localized over center city. Water mains were firing off into the air, the streets were shallow canals and even the taxis were sort of careful. It was unbelievable.

Below a picture of the mess as seen from the car (while driving). You don't really get the 'whole city is underwater' effect, but trust that the 'Day After Tomorrow' is inherent in the low res details.

So after not dying, I came home and got some work done, moped around a little still wanting to go to the festival, and finally decided to be productive and get the dog crate Nikki's mom is lending me. At the prospect of food, Casey is kind enough to come along with me, we met their new neighbors and Nera terrifed yet another dog. Then we wrestled a giant metal crate into peices and into the car and by we, I mean Casey. Threw a blanket on top of it and a dog on top of that and went on our merry way. Which was more merry than the way there, because we didn't get turned around in Germantown.

Then I got a text from Deb saying she'd be off work in a half hour, so we opted to drop off the canine terror and go into the city for drinks and dinner at Continental. When people finally stopped standing directly outside of the window and staring at us, we had a good time.

Afterwards we had to part ways for reasons of unfortunate conflict, and then Deb and I headed over to Kosal's to hang out, but since we were tired it was more like a 'retrieve kosal, bring back to our house' mission for deb. we played with a giant white cat that sort of reminded me of marlon brando in 'The Island of Dr. Moreau', is that wrong to say? It was a nice cat. Just very Brando-ish.

On the way home we drove by a futon, backed up and a kid who was clearly wasted was throwing chairs off his steps. I rolled down the window and he was like 'Did you guys do this?' and I was like 'No? Aren't you throwing this stuff out?' and he said that yeah they were but he was going to kill his friends who stuck all the stuff outside i guess, so that he couldn't get into his house. I dont know. I said that we were checking out his futon and he said, take it, it's new, I've only had sex with a few girls on it. I said at the same time? He said no, and then asked us if we did this again. I said no, he said I love you, by the way. I said thanks, he said, take the futon, I said okay, we will.

And so we did. Armed with alan wrenches and some other clampy type tool, we got the station wagon and went back for the futon...at 3 am. We left the mattress because it was soaked and...sexed I guess, and took that baby home. Kosal rode in the back to make sure it didn't all slide out, and I drove sort of slow to make sure he and the whole affair didn't tumble out into the street.

A picture of Kosal in the back with the futon, giving us the thumbs up...oh no wait, that's the finger.And now, at 5 am, it is time for sleep.

weirdness

2006-07-15T19:51:00.000-07:00

some days are tougher than others.

today is tough.

3 hours of sleep, strep throat immediately returning? i am fighting it off, let's hope i dont get it for the third time in three months.

nothing to do, no money, but a new doggie, though that is stressful too in it's own way.

i didn't think my first horse would be a mega-long-legged thoroughbred in black/dark bay. I didn't think my first dog would be basically the exact same combination of colors and be half airedale terrier, half pitbull or german shepherd. The SPCA lists her as half shepherd, but her body structure is pit bull, though her feet are pretty big, so I am not sure.

She's 4 months old, her name is Nera after the Fiume Nera in Umbria. Flat e, not a long e.

She is crazy. If she's double terrier that makes sense. She is smart, fast to learn and very friendly, but excessively high energy. Though at the same time she'll go with the flow. When she finally stopped flying across the room at me every time I sat down, I was able to lay down and take a nap and she napped with me the entire time, didn't run around, didn't tear through anything. It's a good start.

The cat hates her. He's in isolation with all of his goodies in deb's room. I introduced them once or twice and it went not terrible, but Winston was excessively aggressive. So right now I am keeping them separate because I would like Nera to not have her eyes clawed out and I don't want to stress Winston out. Eventually they will have to learn to live together and hopefully even like it.

I feel like poo. I am calling it an early night.

blog break

2006-07-13T16:49:00.000-07:00

Well the server dropped my connection like a hot potato as I work tirelessly to have a site up and working by tomorrow. So I can accept a forced break.

I've been to the brink of stress-induced freakout and back safely today.

This is the song that was playing in my head when my life was changing in Italy. It's very strange that I would think of this song at all, I haven't listened to it in years...

The Shallows

If I raise my hands
Would you save me?
Or would you shoot me?
I don't know just what I want
Hope it's over quickly and I don't feel a thing
Cos I've been terrified by these crashing waves
And I've been paralyzed by the sight of the sand
Drowning in the shallows
I've been drowning in the shallows
If you see me on the surface
Push me under and hold me down
Till you're sure I've changed
I've been so scared of feeling bad
I don't feel anything at all these days
These days I've been
Terrified by the sight of your face
I've been paralyzed by the touch of your hand
Drowning in the shallows
I've been drowning in the shallows
I jump in the water
Cos the ground was killing me
Oh the deep blue sea just dragged me down
I turned to head back for land
I got scared at the sight of the sand
Now i'm treading water
Starting to drown
In the shallows
Wonder where I fit in

At the time it was a little confusing. But I think I get it now.

Anyway- tonight is wasted night, woohoo!

it's 3 am? how?

2006-07-11T23:51:00.000-07:00

well. I am exhausted. Which is understandable. I got up early to get not that much done today. I am a little stressed and overwhelmed at all of the stuff that has to get done, but I suppose in the end it all gets resolved.

We had a great lesson today, King and I jumped an entire course. After not jumping for 2 months, I'd say we did awesome.

Then after that Deb, Chris and I went into the city to see a pile of puppies. This is literally what it was, we walk in and there are tiny pit bulls everywhere. We got down on the floor and were instantly velcro-ed with puppies. Tiny teeth pulling on our clothes, a puppy that was smaller than my purse trying to drag it across the floor (the puppy I think I have agreed to take, by the way). I was there to see two puppies in particular, two little girls that are available to a good home. The one that caught my eye turned out to be the one that was described as 'dominant and aggressive' - keep in mind these pups are about the size of potatoes still- 4 weeks old. But she took an immediate and sustained interest in me, which is really cool if you are considering taking on an animal. While we were there it seemed like I was sort of just doing the formality of coming by because I had said I would and that I couldn't really take a puppy because I have limited experience raising puppies, but after we left I was excited. I really dug this dog. Most of the dogs we have owned have been male (5 out of 6) and two out of three cats have been male. My horse is a boy (also a baby though- so I suppose I have already accepted the additional work of training the very young). But this female pup is definitely a character.

I am still going to a shelter in Camden (today) to visit with an urgent case to see if he is the one, because I was of the mindset that he was, before I was charmed by the pile o puppies. But I want to investigate all of my options because this is a pretty big deal. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Just like with horses or any companion animal. In the beginning you're just going with an instinct. If your interpretation of that instinct is accurate you have an ideal match, if not, please play again. I like to trust that my instinct and understanding of the same are pretty dead-on. They were with King, I just have to see what they say with the canine species.

Well we'll see. Hopefully in 2-4 weeks things will be a little more stable. : )

hm

2006-07-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

i tried to blog while i was abroad. that didn't work. i know that a month is a long time, what i forgot was exactly how much travel, experience and culture can influence you.

every time i have come back from italy (only three times in my life so far)- but also when i came back from london after texting in italian to relatives there, i have been sad to be back in the US. sad to be leaving. this pattern led to my decision to live and work in italy. and i'm dead serious.

the problem, however, is that i have been accepted to the two year master's program that i applied to before traveling. at penn...it's a great program. I want to go...but I wanted to move to italy within the year. So I will go of course...and figure out the Italy thing along the way. I know that ultimately I don't want to live in the US, and therefore...I won't. People talk about what states they want to live in, I think about what country. My great grandfather chose to come over here and stay and live and work. He left the country his family had lived in for generations, but within their family there was travelling even then, relatives that moved to Africa, for example. His brother went back to Italy and now cousins (distant in blood, close in relationship) of mine live parallel but entirely different lives than we do here. We are each the 'what if' to each other. Of course I wouldn't exist if the situation had been any different. But the concept remains the same. So anyway, what's to say I can't do the same thing, tread back over the path my great grandfather laid down generations ago and go live in the country that I feel is home? The issue I suppose, is time, and my refusal to be tied down to anything except those things most impossible anchor.

I was noticing that people here cover themselves in american flags, but the truth is that since the country is so recent, americans assert a national identity because there is not one inherent in our experience. everything is too fresh and too changing. it's unique and interesting, but it is impossible to call this place a blood home and get that kind of feeling you get visiting the land of any one of your forefathers, since we mutts have so many.

hey!

2006-05-29T23:08:00.000-07:00

I've flown a long way honey, oh
Hear my confession then I'll go
I'd rather be the one who loves
Than to be loved and never even know
- Josh Ritter

Nikki and I had an interesting convo tonight. Based on that...

Why is it universally true that the people we love the most do not love us the most in return? That the people who love us the most keep this information to themselves and do not share it with us, so we walk around feeling all unloved and sold out.

You know what I'm talking about. We all want what we can't have, and what we definitely can't have we want more than anything in the world. But are we sure we can't have it? Have we tried?

It's ridiculous.

If you love me, do me a favor and tell me, k? Thank you.

I might be surprised, well I am sure I will be, since I don't suspect any of you of loving me without my knowledge. But- I will do my best to deal with the information. So let 'er rip. You won't be disappointed. Probably. I mean this generally depends on who you are. If you are that guy who was digging through my neighbor's trash today, I probably don't love you.

Why do we all walk around keeping our words so carefully to ourselves? If you love someone or care about them, tell them. You may be hurt by the lack of exact reciprocation, but you won't be hurt from all your insides stretching and bending to burst by keeping it all inside for years of your life and ultimately harvesting a ripe crop of regret and nostalgia for an untested past.

Seriously.

In other news, Jeff Buckley's Lilac Wine was playing on the radio in the bathroom at Dave and Buster's. I peed myself. Literally.

I took it as an omen. Let's examine it together:

I lost myself on a cool damp night
I gave myself in that misty light
Was hypnotized by a strange delight
Under a lilac tree

I made wine from the lilac tree
Put my heart in its recipe
It makes me see what I want to see
And be what I want to be

When I think more than I want to think
Do things I never should do
I drink much more that I ought to drink
Because it brings me back you

Lilac wine is sweet and heady,
Like my love
Lilac wine, I feel unsteady,
Like my love

Listen to me, I cannot see clearly
Isnt that she, coming to me
Nearly here

Lilac wine is sweet and heady,
Wheres my love
Lilac wine, I feel unsteady,
Wheres my love

Listen to me, why is everything so hazy
Isnt that she, or am I just going crazy, dear

Lilac wine, I feel unready for my love
Feel unready, for my love.

Well there is the clear theme of alcoholism, in this case supplemented by the narrator's own heart. I do like the drink. But I am sappy enough without it.

I think the main theme is 'Where's my love?' So? Where is it. Give it to me.

as i'm leaving

2006-05-28T15:35:00.000-07:00

As I'm leaving
A change comes on my eyes
These streets persuading me
With mumbled strange goodbyes

Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my heart out on the stones
And I'm almost gone

There's no meaning
In clothes and coffee cups
Cheap hotel furniture
Where silence never stops

Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my memories to the wind
And I'm almost gone

- As I'm Leaving, David Gray

right now

2006-05-24T15:24:00.000-07:00

i am operating on very little sleep, i've been working hard (for a change) and handling the sundry things that must be done before italy is at my doorstep.

one of the things that is not entirely necessary but is nonetheless entertaining is going through all the photos i have taken on my cell phone.

i have to get rid of the little guy because in a brash move i decided that working only most of the time was not as desireable as working all of the time, and not shutting off during important phone calls or freezing when text messages arrive was generally desired.

it's petty, i know. but now my phone's exact twin is here with negligible upgrades (faceplate cover changed from navy blue to black..ummm that's it) and one downgrade, which is currently entertaining, but in time will undoubtedly become extremely annoying: a news ticker. I turn the news ticker off on my instant messenger, and now it has cropped up on my phone. There can be only one highlander!

So I don't trust this new phone, which I think is natural. It's suspiciously innocuous, it seems to work but who knows? The true test will come at the most crucial moment when I finally have to take the battery out to get the phone to turn off.

To add insult to injury- I don't get to keep the 'defective' equipment. If I don't send it back I am charged the original cost of the phone. The cost I ALREADY PAID to purchase the piece of crap. No- I do love my phone. For all the days I would shake it and say "I hate this thing" it's become a familiar plague. People don't like to give up what they know, even if it is for something better, because in the beginning, it is always for the unknown.

This slightly darker, more teched out somehow refurbed, yet brand new model of the phone I already paid for, but am unwilling to pay for twice, this is my new plague. I whine, I fear, but I played with that baby for about 3 seconds and was already staring dumbly at the tiny news pictures in the ticker. The novelty might just be enough to ease the pain of transition.

In honor of my old phone, which is only just a year and a half old, but took surprisingly beautiful pictures and always let me know who was in charge, I give you the photo diary 'Me and my Phone' (please note the beautiful ephemeral quality induced by a filthy lense).

Tilt your head. It's beautiful.

Yes that is a real gun. No, it's not loaded...or at least I was told it wasn't.

George.

This is probably my favorite picture of all time.

brace yourself

2006-05-22T10:58:00.000-07:00

in the absence of my often accidentally witty chatter, while i am away for a month, please refer to the following sources for entertainment and consolation.

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

http://www.theonion.com/content/index

http://www.banterist.com/

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/

That's all for now. I know it hardly compares.

ouch

2006-05-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

nothing better than

2006-05-19T15:26:00.000-07:00

random myspace verbal molestation by people I don't know.

i have a nice layer of essence of baby bird on me right now. i need a shower.

going to see the da vinci code tonight though i haven't read the book and have no intention of doing so.

what i really want is a nap! but a coffee and a movie will do in a pinch. i am starting to question drinking coffee. i like it but do i really want to be awake for most things? i think sometimes being in a half slept daze is definitely better. if you are alert and aware you need more stuff to occupy your attention, it's just more work. but if you aren't that awake you use vocab words like 'stuff'. rock on, tired brain.

i am also a liiiittle behind on work. not badly. but a bit. or not so much behind but more like the way you don't start a paper in college until you only have a day or two left...like that.

hm i just wasted 10 minutes staring into space. better get that cafe (practicing for italy). un cafe por favore.

no more whining!

2006-05-17T16:38:00.000-07:00

i know there's been alot of bitching here. but better than bending your ear about it!!

things are good good good, verizon finally got their act together and i have internet, baby. Full wireless bars wherever I want...and still, i am sitting in the kitchen like before...hehe.

New York for Columbia's graduation was sweet. It poured SO hard the first day that everyone was soaked head to toe. Like raining-through-the-umbrella hard. Students were leaving the graduation during the ceremony to change into dry clothes and more than a few people were dressed in Columbia sweatshirts and hats from the bookstore when the rain let up. It was a mess! But it cleared up by the afternoon, just in time for the ceremony to be over. Very funny, weather.

J. McCain spoke and students staging a 'silent' protest ended up being not so silent and more immature and rude. They ruined the ceremony for alot of the graduates by booing various parts of his speech, including his discussion of the five years he spent as a prisoner of war. Wtf people, grow up? I don't care what your political alliances are, if you can't respect the experiences of another human being and listen to their point of view without booing, you're an extremist. Ironically, the message of his speech was that the benefit of being an American is the freedom to debate, to state that you think something is wrong and why and argue it out, but that we should also respect one another's experiences and opinions. I would say the message was lost on those particular individuals.

It was seemingly the same speech he gave at Liberty College which there was the subject of great controversy, but at Columbia would be glanced over. It wasn't really a graduation speech, more of a self-defense and general life suggestion. I would say that Jodie Foster's speech at Penn actually included (in it's coherent train of thought portion) a great lesson for graduates and people seeking a path in life in general, which was that you figure out who you are through the things that you choose to do. You don't understand everything about yourself at the time but become more yourself through living your life. Simple but true. I didn't explain it well. It then veered off into a 12 minute segment about the probable destruction and misery that would consume the world. Umm...are you okay Jodie?

The weather today was gorgeous of course, but we caught a 3:05 train back to Philly to try and get some stuff done around here. Turned out to be only moderately worth it since we ended up missing out on dinner and a trip to the gallery of this guy who does Tool's album art. He has some really ridiculous stuff going on right now.

Plus who doesn't love an art gallery? (a GOOD one)

And missing out on dinner isn't the worst thing- we've eaten out like every meal for the last few days at all the best restaurants...I don't think I can take it anymore. Too much delicious food, can you believe it?

I love visiting New York, can't imagine living there though. But I do intend to spend some more time there this summer. Train is cheap and driving up is always easy.

My roomate is gone for 2 weeks to Australia!!! Damn her! And the day she gets back basically, I leave for Italy. I am excited for it now! It's amazing how much of the language comes back to you when you think about it. It's going to be a great time. And I think a month off is going to do me wonders.

I'll miss all the cool things going on here but I'll appreciate it all a heck of a lot more when I get back, I'm sure.

Oh and weirdly enough, the other day I woke up with the song "hello starling" in my head and while I was down on main street, I walked out of a store and right in front of me was a baby starling. I never find orphaned/injured animals, so it was additionally random. I took him to the clinic and dropped him off with about a dozen other of his brethren. Good stuff.

also. 1 GB memory card for my camera. fuckin a.

i don't think

2006-05-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

that anyone really understands how infuriating it is to have a fractured pelvis. Things you take for granted like walking around a store, sleeping on your favorite side, running, tripping and participating in your favorite leisure activity. ALL OFF LIMITS.

I am not complaining about this to people or acting injured, so they forget, but my attitude towards life in general is pretty bitter. I am stressed to the max and generally just not a ray of sunshine. I mean I am relaxed, or maybe a better word is 'sedate.' My calm could be reactionary. I do feel like I am inverting severely on account of resisting complaining and generally outwardly denying that I am injured.

I am impatient when it comes to desire. When I want something I want it suddenly and furiously and nothing else in the world exists. This of course passes, but part of my denial is rooted in my impatient desire to be back in the saddle.

Though I did get to lunge King yesterday, and that took the edge off my rabid desire to work with him in something, anything. It was a great experience for us. But the thought that I might not be fully recovered in even another week's time, and even if I am that a large amount of walking or a small amount of riding could injure me still is seeming like it might give me an aneurism.

It's funny, to be this impatient with the body that your impatience is trapped in. It's like telling yourself that you're going to cross a river when your horse's legs have fallen off. You can't ask your body to do something that it simply can't do, and you end up being trapped by you.

Mostly though, I am grateful to be standing, and now, grateful to be walking normally, with only a dull (occasionally sharp) pain to remind me that things could have been much worse.

I have to laugh at the following excerpts from an article on pelvic fractures:

"Fractures of the pelvis are uncommon, accounting for only 0.3-6% of all fractures."

and

Most pelvic fractures occur during high-speed accidents (such as car or motorcycle crashes) or falls from great heights.

great heights indeed...

Basically I can't do anything. I can't finish moving in or clean or arrange the apartment. I can't wander around stores to look for things to buy, I can go to meetings but even that is more than I should be doing. I can sit and type, or work, if I ever felt that productive, but the dismay is sinking deep and making me completely unproductive.

Sigh.

It is miserable to be me, but I don't want your pity. Just your understanding that this is shittier than I make it look. I would say kill me, but I've worked too hard just to live. I play it down, but life could have been a whole lot different right now and I know that I am dealing with some post-traumatic issues. I aim for total recovery, but mind body and spirit have a long way to go yet.

"all the tired horses in the sun...

2006-05-05T23:24:00.000-07:00

...how'm I sposed to get any riding done?"

Well for the first time in a long time I enjoyed an evening at home. Not that I haven't been spending evenings at home, but I haven't been enjoying them.

I sipped some delicious wine and read and read and read. Did some other random things as they suited me.

Part of the satisfaction was rooted in the fact that I had been very business-oriented in the morning, took all my phone calls, even on the road (new step for me) spent a solid 4 hours at the wildlife rehab where a young squirrel ran all over me, and sat on my head for a while. Adorable.

And then I went grocery shopping and picked up some basics but more importantly- SNACKS. I don't like eating big meals especially when I am sitting around most of the day nursing a mobility issue, so snacks saved my life. I had fun getting them because I wasn't completely broke and now I have some not totally necessary nutrients at my disposal.

Um so no New York, obviously. I had to fend off some insulting insinuations that my mental health was not in its best form after I expressed a desire to go. What about all the other hundreds of people that will be there?

In the end I just was enjoying staying home so much I didn't want to fight what was finally feeling natural. Plus I am almost done this book that I just started yesterday.

A good book is bad for you, because when you're reading it, you can't do anything else. And if you do, it's a complete bother, because all you want to do is read.

And of course when you're done and you are wading through moderately-legible crap until you get to the next good book, you whine about having nothing to read.

I also will not be able to lunge King tomorrow as I was looking forward to doing...this is as frustrating as though we were both in stalls. I want to be there when he gets to come out and play and burn off energy. I want to work with him in the only way that I can right now...annnnnd I can't. At least not yet. So once again it will be mostly trying to train him not to nip from the other side of the stall door, even though he is immensely bored and probably wants to completely bite a chunk out of someone or something at this point.

Anyone know any horse brain teasers? Keep him from unravelling the hose with his teeth? Though it is kind of funny to watch...

Ok I am tired.

blog or go insane

2006-05-03T16:42:00.000-07:00

ahhhh

i am trying to be positive and productive while incapacitated. I can pretty much walk like a normal person, I even broke into a little run for a minute yesterday. All things I couldn't do a week ago, which means my pelvis is healing, but still another 3 weeks before I find out if I am all better. I am trying to eat a high protein, and calcium-ish diet in a meek attempt to retain muscle tone and encourage bone healing. I don't know if it makes a difference but I like to think so.

I am also not as patient and docile with my body as I should be. I spent the last two days assembling ikea furniture which involves alot of bending over and lifting and moving and more physical activity than my inactive self is used to. Seriously, you don't think about it but the amount of stuff you do in the course of a normal day is really active compared to what I am doing in general. Even after walking for a little bit I am sore. Technically though, I have been healing for a week and a half since I aggravated the fracture.

More technically I was 'healing' since the initial fall, but not helping myself by riding. Thinking back on riding on a fractured pelvis I cringe a little, but it wasn't that bad. Just knowing why the pain was as intense as it was makes me sad for my bones.

Bleh....so technically only 2.5 more weeks until 4 weeks is over...so I really should be fine to ride for that week before I go to Italy...which of course now I really don't want to do because I will have already missed a month of riding then I will miss another month. BLEH.

I have never ridden so infrequently as I have since I bought a damn horse.

I am tired and tired of doing nothing. But trying to be productive as I said- assembling furniture, trying to get my domestic shit together while I am forced to have the opportunity. I am still able to drive out to meetings and such but this is where being an independent contractor is really a boone. If you enter a stage of convalescence, no one will really notice. Your fingers can still type emails.

I am also considering which branch to follow for my near future career. I will be working on my grad school app and turning that in in a couple weeks, then seeing if that is the way I should go or not. Of course I will have Italy to help me not fixate on the end result. I suppose that is a positive thing.

So I am a little stressed, but of course there will be days where that will be the case. My horse is recovering from his surgery still, but on Saturday perhaps the two cripples will work together in a lunge session. That'll be good for him, to get some bucks out, and good for me to remind him that I'm still boss horse.

I dunno people. I have never had to be inactive so long. I am going a bit insane.

whyyy

2006-05-01T14:27:00.000-07:00

you write about love and stealing glances and things that don't exist.

no it's impossible, sorry.

you tell a good story though.

i have the unfortunate conviction that fiction can occasionally be true.

dear heart- please don't explode.

real quick

2006-04-29T15:49:00.000-07:00

no surgery. fractured pelvis. healing time = 4 weeks. no running or riding.

sucks.

josh ritter concert was beautiful. josh ritter was beautiful. we chatted briefly with him after the show. what a great guy.

listen to his new album. then buy it.

um. redesigning my website now, bc i can't stand it anymore. that is all.

um

2006-04-24T15:11:00.000-07:00

doctor says possibly i completely ruptured a ligament.

refers me to an orthopedist who i will see on wednesday after more x-rays.

sprain would be the best of it right now. now we are looking at possible actual damage and surgery. guh-rrr.

jinxin'

2006-04-23T16:21:00.000-07:00

my last blog post suggested that i would treat myself well this weekend, assuming nothing injurious happened. wellll, that'll teach me to assume. Saturday's lesson resulted in a 'pop' in my pelvic area that has led to some disfunctional walking. and led to not walking at all on saturday. i rode fine, until i was too sore to ride anymore, i dismounted fine, but i knew that i was going to stay rooted to the spot until someone could help me leave. so by treating myself well, i guess what i really meant was sitting on some more ice packs. delightful.

it's probably a sprain. it was not the bad third thing that i guessed, but hopefully it was the bad third thing and i am done for a while.

i vote for not being disabled anymore, thank you.

i am going to see a sports medicine person this week i hope. i left a message over the weekend so we will see.

i am optimistic that i just pulled something that was already healing, and that means the worst is over. i know that it happened because my muscles were tight and imbalanced from all the weird walking and the contusions from the initial injury. but i was almost completely feeling better, which is why it was frustrating. i know that this is the tail end of the big body mess (or at least i really, really hope it is) but to propose that i could be out of action for like two weeks from a coda injury instead of from the initial debilitating fall is frustrating. I am half in denial half in acceptance. Hopefully I can get a professional recommendation of what to do. Maybe so I can ignore it. If I am feeling well enough I would like to ride, but if it means I am going to re-injure myself I can stand to avoid it. This is impatience. King is getting dropped off for surgery on Monday morning, and depending on how long his recovery takes, I would have had to ride another horse (Jackson) on Monday and Wednesday. And while I love riding him, I think I would have enjoyed one last hurrah on Jackson- although seeing him go the other night made me sort of grateful not to be on him. But I did enjoy riding him and felt like I rode him well. It was just nice to think about being on a horse who knows what is going on. But if that seems like I am saying riding King is a lesser experience for his lack of experience, that would be a false impression. He's amazing in his motion, in his capacity to learn and in his general willingness to comply. He'll still throw his head occasionally, refuse to stop and generally be a 'bad boy' but nobody is perfect.

So I suppose some natural balance is saying that if my horse is out of commission, so am I. Maybe it would do me ill to ride someone else. Maybe he and I are meant to work out things together. Again, there are more subtle ways to remind me to take a break or to treat my body better, or to be patient, but I guess a severe sprain is the only one I will pay attention to? Ugh. Whatever.

So let's hope I'm not sprained, and let's hope things return to their regularly scheduled program SOON.

One thing about all this is that it has seemed to make King a little more cautious around me. Seemingly more careful and respectful. I mean I could just be seeing him on quiet days, but I recognize a general sense of companionship. He always looks back when someone else has to lead him away (when I can't walk, for instance). I suppose that is something I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't been inconvenienced by injury.

I did manage to get a little more organized and moved in despite everything. The chest of drawers I wanted hasn't arrived at Ikea yet, so many of my clothes are still homeless. But whatever. I've gone this long without it, what's a few more days or weeks or whatever.

When it rains it pours. And when it pours, my ceiling leaks. In my bedroom and behind my refrigerator. I sprain healing areas and stores are out of stock in the one thing I go there for. My orders are messed up at restaurants and wasps fall out of my heating vents. But somehow I still look past this to the possible future- sunny days where nothing is leaking and I can run again. So many things to throw us off balance and we still struggle to stand up straight. Well that's life isn't it?

2sday

2006-04-18T19:52:00.000-07:00

even though my life is getting its edgiest, my blog is losing its edge. temporary? permanent? we'll see.

right now i am waiting for a site to download. borrowed wireless is slow (it's ok, it's from my parents' house).

this is one of those days where independent contracting is not mega awesome. the days where you work from the moment you wake up at 8 to the second you go to bed, with some reading squeezed in for a book that you won't absorb because by the time you get to read it you're deleriously exhausted. then- you get to wake up at 8 to take a support phone call for a job that is sort of out of your scope of responsibility, but you are doing it anyway.

but there are fewer of those days and more of the other ones where i think that i'd better buckle down more and get serious about working, but at the same time i am enjoying the freedom of contracting so much i think seriousness is a ridiculous proposition.

threadless also caused me alot of pain today. it hurts to laugh still, and people's comments on shirts are hilarious. that was the break i took from work today while i ate my dinner. but seriously people, i've been working hard all day. and my software hasn't been cooperating. so in addition to being a worky day, it was also a frustrating worky day. but i'm not complaining. just observing.

additionally my new issue of HOW magazine (a design mag) has been keeping me occupied in 10 minute spurts. I would link to the website, but seriously, the site is shameful. The magazine is beautifully designed, aesthetically pleasing and the site is sort of...dead. Sorry guys, but it's true.

Site still downloading...so what else?

I rode yesterday for the first time since taking my traumatic tumble, and the lesson went well, I tortured my body and pushed it's healing self to the limits so that I was limping again afterwards and still today, but am riding tomorrow...I need a schedule, I have realized this. I flourish with regularity (and dashes of spontaneity of course!) but something that I enjoy doing regularly makes life more consistently enjoyable. Having a week off from riding (especially the way in which I acheived it) sucked. So I'll be in pain, but it's better than not doing any activity at all. running and situps? forget it.

I also plan to get outside more on these nicer days. I need some color in the face. not so much the body since the scars are still healing and that will look weird, but the face. so i dont look punched in both eyes even though i am getting plenty of rest.

my instructor came back from her vacation looking completely refreshed. we couldn't have been more opposite after the previous week haha. but it does show me that soon, I will need a real vacation, not a couple days here and there when I'm not doing as much work because I am moving into my apartment (another kind of work) or a few days off because I am injured or sick...a voluntary repreive from work.

Maybe nashville with nikki will be good for that, but i have a feeling i'm going to need something a little more specifically recreational. like a weekend at the shore or something.

hmm i am really realizing that i haven't done anything for myself lately. you know? like just something nice, relaxing and enjoyable because i can. that's probably partly why i've been feeling so crappy. you can't just jam in a few minutes of enjoyment here and there, you have to give yourself some leisure and mean it.

that's what i will work on this weekend. assuming nothing else happens to me. bad things in threes right? that means one more..and i think i know what it is...

sneezing = extreme pain

2006-04-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

bruise your soft tissue and wish for death every time you sneeze and lower back muscles you didn't realize were involved in sneezing contract and make you try to stop sneezing mid sneeze.

i rode today!

life was immediately returned to almost normalcy.

yay!

campfire storytime

2006-04-13T08:46:00.000-07:00

ok blogging real quick because i am in the presence of a consistent and strong wireless signal. let's get this story out here and hope i dont have to tell it again, bc i am getting a little tired of reliving it when the pain is still waking me up in the middle of the night.

quoted pretty much directly from the way i told it to los:

my horse went from being snotty to being terrified out of his mind. we were in the outdoor ring with no fence and he started moving while my other leg was in the air as i was getting on so since he moved forward so much i landed behind his saddle. that scared the shit out of him so he took off. two strides and we were out of the ring, he goes down the hill full tilt, bucking, and i am hanging on to the front of the saddle yelling, oh shit oh shit oh shit, but this is crazy trick riding because i am sitting on his butt gripping with my legs. this scares him even more and he's a racehorse so we hit the flat and he takes off for the barn, i still have the reins so i steer him to the left and the saddle slides to the side and i have to let go only i let go over some fucking huge river rocks. i hit the rocks and roll for like 12 feet. i can't feel my legs and i am screaming my brains out and yelling obscenities. i am yelling so loud that the farrier comes running with his phone, he's already on the phone with the hospital. an ambulance comes and this woman from the barn follows them there, they're concerned because of the pain in my lower back and the fact that i am numb in my right leg and hip. so we go to a trauma unit and this entire time i am 'fully immobilized' meaning strapped to one of those backboards. most uncomfortable thing in the fucking universe. the barn owner leigh came up with her boyfriend and they and suzanne stayed the entire time. so it wasn't bad. but it took forever. i got x-rays and everything, nothing was broken i have some "honking contusions" though as suzanne says. basically huge scrapes on my back and right arm, some major pain and stiffness.

so that is the story of my monday. luckily i had finished all the heavy lifting for the apartment that morning before the fall.

It was terrifying, obviously. Painful, still. Upsetting because riding involves alot of trust which is something most people can fortunately take for granted. But you can't always trust that a young horse, or any horse is going to act in a predictable way, and I could have stood for a more subtle reminder, but point taken. But the horse also has to trust your behavior. Oh well, more work ahead, and if not, we can sell him for twice as much as we bought him for and buy two nice older horses.

other than that moving into the new apartment has been cool if a bit slow going because of obvious physical slowness, and setting up the utilities and internet connection and all that. trying to keep working consistently through injury and internet inconsistency is tough, but my clients have been pretty patient about it. So i just thought i would get this blog out of the way so I can devote the next million hours to knocking out some projects.

also- lucky number sleven- very very good. ice age: the meltdown- very fun and hilarious.

"the platypus is on mount rushmore" - quote from the old guy yelling at the hospital.

"i think i touched tongues with my sister once"

2006-04-06T18:07:00.000-07:00

a line from the past week.

i left the blog on a sort of negative note, and have been incredibly busy still not getting everything done, but i am compelled to blog, in part because my foot is elevated and iced, so being stationary is the thing to do.

But things are still better than they were. Or appear that way anyhow.

There's much work piling on as other projects are finishing. That's good. But also intimidating. Move in is happening sooner than expected and the wildlife rehab is on the move. i'll be doing a 4 hour shift once a week there. Fridays or Sundays, we'll see.

And things equine are going well. Surgery will be after next week. Good and bad, he definitely is my baby. Today something shifted a little more into sync and i was like 'so this is what it's like to ride a horse.' To be not just thinking about myself and what I am doing, but to be feeling like part of something else. I don't have the energy to explain it at the moment, but it's cool. And on the ground we are still working on manners, but even those are starting to sink in. Little things tip me off to the fact that my presence has become something regular and reassuring in King's life. I can always count on an ear to be turned in my direction. If one of the trainers has to take him away for something while I am there he's reluctant to leave and glances my way to see if whatever is happening is okay and is also clearly wondering why I am letting whatever it is happen. His look is often 'Um- Hello?'. I've never had a horse give quite as much attention to my presence and direction- though he often simultaneously tries to test his own authority versus mine, we are moving from him seeing me as a playmate to a figure of authority. It's not always fun to be in charge, but it's definitely dangerous to be lower on the ladder.

Ok. Work time.

quad blues

2006-03-31T18:42:00.000-08:00

cars and horses.

wtf.

WTF.

Okay, so I didn't get alot of sleep the last few days. Staying in the city to help Deb move, doctor's and car appointments.

So my paycheck doesn't come on time. A week and a half late and I am down to the absolute bottom of my account.

My horse disrespects me after a good ride and on the way home, I rear-end a guy.

My dad tries to get me to pay rent on a place that was formerly rent free.

Ortlieb's reminds me of the things that I did like about Josh and I's relationship.

Doors are swinging open and closed simultaneously. Though technically I've gained a horse and a house, I feel like I am losing everything. I feel disconnected and dangerously low.

I am always up for a challenge. I know that respect isn't automatic, people and animals don't just give it to you when they meet you. It has to be demanded and earned. I can understand that, but it took a 4 year old quadriped to show me that all the years I've spent screaming to my parents that they need to respect me were wasted because I did not demand respect with my actions. Well, I did, and credit due could be given more liberally, but at least with the animal I know that my actions are going to determine the level of his respect, directly.

It sort of pisses me off that all this time that I've felt disrespected in various instances, I've been right but that it comes from something in my own character, well, at least I see it now. I guess I need to stop being so nice, so timid and indulgent. The things that I say that seem sharp and a little too direct are the things that I should be saying all the time. The only thing I have to lose by taking away the candy coating is people and animals that would walk all over me.

I already see a change. You have to have a strong and sizeable character to garner the respect of a horse. Some days I love him and other days I want to kill him. I may not like the light it casts me in but being able to see the things I don't like allows me to change them. I am already calmer, more straightforward and confident in every day interactions. I don't intend to be disrespected or endangered as a result of that disrespect so I might have alot of work ahead of me and I might see alot of things about myself that I disapprove of, but this is the path of learning. Ugly and full of holes, but beautiful in parts.

I hope that I learn something from all of this. I hope that the low feeling passes. I hope that I gain instead of continuing to lose because I've been to the bottom and I don't intend on going back. But intentions are dangerously irrelevant.

new favorite thing in the universe

2006-03-26T09:19:00.000-08:00

AUDIO BLOGS

Late on the uptake? Yes. Shamed? No.

I ignored audio blogs for a long while for various reasons, none of them substantial, but last night I could ignore them no more. With specimens like Bows + Arrows, I Am Fuel You Are Friends and The Late Greats, I am irrevocably hooked.

The selling point was the Late Greats' most recent post which included none other than the few tracks from Zoolander I had been unsuccessfully hunting for. I even searched for the soundtrack on Amazon to no avail.

Rufus Wainwright's eargasm version of 'He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother' would elude me no more.

Bows + Arrows introduced me to some interesting new stuff (including a group called 'Band of Horses' hehe), and I am Fuel You Are Friends provided the first video clip of a live Jeff Buckley peformance ('Satisfied Mind' no less). How did I miss all this stuff before? (YouTube is also coming to my attention as an indespensible resource).

The best thing about audio blogs is that they exemplify freedom of information and judicious sharing while encouraging you to support the artists they showcase with your dollars. You know you want to anyway, but being able to access rare tracks and live versions of songs you know is a unique delight.

I'll always support the artists I listen to, for better or for worse. But being able to discover new artists and rare tracks is what endless digital social networking is all about.

seriously

2006-03-23T15:41:00.000-08:00

do you know anyone who can sit still for more than 5 minutes?

I can't. Impossible. My dad has taken to smoking cigars because they keep him in one place for an extended period of time. It seems my impediment of choice is an array of beverages. If I have something to sip I might not get up. If I eat something I don't do whatever it is I am supposed to be doing because...come on, there's food. And food always takes priority.

I am working right now. Well not 'rightnow' because, as you can see I am blogging right now, as a break from work. But damn if I don't have a hard time getting the work done in one sitting. I have to wait for the spirit to move me...or give me peace from moving I suppose. Would a ritalin type medication help? Possssibly. But I still think I can live like this and get small parts of a million different things done at once. That's not so bad right?

Bigger things take longer to sink in.

I am still understanding what it means to own a horse. Of course it couldn't possibly sink in all at once. If it did I would be in shock...Though I think I am in mild shock/disbelief. One thing that it has provided is heaven. Heaven being the freedom to go up to the barn and ride on a beautiful day, outside, and without paying additional money. So far the only days that I have actually gotten to go up and ride outside of lessons have been this Thursday and the last. I find that the riding helps me gear up for working later in the day. All told it really only takes 3 hours of my day. If I start to get up earlier I could be more productive during business hours. This is why Deb needs to half-lease a horse, so that we can go enjoy beautiful days with a herd of two. : )

Anyway. I'm still wrapping my brain around it.

I realize I haven't posted any pictures since the emaciated images. King is looking much better and gets more adorable every day.

All of his old cuts are healed. That mess on his neck is new, from a bratty pasture-mate, but is healing up nicely.

We rode up in the open outdoor ring today. The lack of fences didn't phase him, apart from spending the first 15 minutes giving himself whiplash from looking around at everything. We had the ring all to ourselves till the end so we trotted and cantered around just getting in tune with one another. Lessons are great for working out particulars, but for just getting a feel between horse and rider, private riding is the way to go.

Part of what helped me see this as a reality (I am starting to worry that the whole thing will go by with me never believing/realizing that it's really happening) was while we were walking, I saw our shadow on the ground. My silhouette attached indiscernably to the silhouette of our horse. A quick flash to the past, my brief summer of riding at 11, my whole life and an abrupt stop at me and a horse that I own at 23. Who would have expected?? Just a month ago I was saying that I was afraid my whole life would go by and I would never own a horse, it just seemed so impossible, distant, unlikely. Well. Not so. So far I can only comprehend it in the small random details.

Ok...back to work.

if i had been medicated for ADD as a child...

2006-03-18T13:37:00.000-08:00

...my GRE study sessions might not go something like this (which they do, because I wasn't):

Sit down, put blanket on, open book.

Do three problems, I don't get that one, time for some verbal.

Read a few high frequency words, close book, get tissue.

Come back with tissue stuffed in nose, open book, stare at math.

Math is annoying, Nicole is online, hi Nicole.

I have a new e-mail, I have to respond.

Nicole has to run errands, my email is sent.

Open book. I'm hungry. Get muffin.

Leave muffin negligently nibbled on table, send text message.

Open book again, read a few math rules. Math is boring. Blog about ADD.

Repeat with mild variations.

girl in the war

2006-03-17T12:55:00.000-08:00

What I am starting to notice...in the few patterns that are showing themselves in my life is that things are not to be kept.

Joy is fleeting and sadness seems eternal, but eventually passes. But in my life, it's a more pointed transcience.

Relationships- I never could do them. This doesn't mean that I don't want to, or that I am unloving. I love lots. But I am unlovable in a sort of way.

I guess to me it seems that the simplest types of personalities find happiness in coupledom.

I'm not that complex (okay...maybe I am...), but while other females have a sort of 'how-to' guide imprinted in their brain and subsequently displayed on their outer workings...with me the hows are all tangled up in whys and why we shouldn'ts.

I guess I just can't imagine the person who would tell me they loved me. And who I would be okay with saying that.

I feel the nature of my life is not-keeping. I am always passing through, never holding and never staying. I think that's the way I'm built to be. It's not that I'm unlovable but a kind of love that keeps me in one place is going to come from inside, it's impossible for someone else to hold me to that.

I guess I really am a big cat. Soft to the touch, attractive, but ultimately not the animal you'd curl up with at the end of the day.

it's been a while

2006-03-15T20:04:00.000-08:00

when life is actually happening, there's no time to write. when i can write that usually means i am in the evil apartment and longing for all the things i am writing about that aren't there at the moment.

everyone who reads this probably knows everything that follows. but:

we did buy chris. his name is now king and his show name is "black gold." He had his vet check and needs surgery on his eye, there is a growth underneath it that is hopefully not cancerous. He has bowed tendons which are pretty typical of off the track horses. But the tendons just need to be kept flexible until they set, so that means regular riding but nothing too intense.

He will jump anything you put in front of him. He's willing and he tries hard. He is about the same height as the biggest horse in the barn, and is still growing. He came in emaciated looking and has already put on weight, shed out the shaggiest of his coat and is starting to show the beautiful boy underneath.

We couldn't be luckier. I think Chris/King lucked out too. He didn't look like he could have handled another year outside in Gettysburg. The transformation even thus far is amazing. I know he'll be unrecognizable from the Chris who first walked in when he fills out to be the King he is. Cheesy but true.

In other news...my throat fucking hurts. Alot. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow.

Despite the crappiness of recent days, even in their awesomeness (like being in NC, that was way fun) I am feeling grateful and fortunate. I am so very very lucky.

wanderlust

2006-03-05T13:40:00.000-08:00

West of her there's a place know
Never have been but I'd like to go
Somewhere out there I believe in me
And West of her is where I'd like to see
West of her there's another place
Sun shines soft on another face
And the river falls on another sea
And West of her is where I'd like to be

Roll on

I tried out-running you it didn't last
Everything that catches up must come to pass
And your voice is the one inside my head
I ended up out-running myself instead

Roll on

You'll probably end up thinking that I don't care
When you get a letter from a new somewhere
But I know you've got what you need to be
Happy someplace East of me

Roll on

What a crazy last few days. Lots of designing and working. Vet check for the horsey on Tuesday. Oh the suspense is annoying.

man is only half himself

2006-03-01T22:42:00.000-08:00

...the other half is a bright thing he tumbles on by luck or grace, man is ever a blind thing.

being okay with being okay is not as easy as it sounds.

I am happy to be on my own and be myself, thrust forth in the world and all that, but I get to shake my head alot these days.

I don't think that I will ever be happy until I learn something that's coming up soon.

I couldn't have done anything in the world in the situation that just passed except to buy Chris. This wasn't like hmmm...I could go either way. It was do or die. It had to happen. Chris and I need each other at this moment in time.

This limits me in substantial ways in the near future. But I feel like this is a situation where I have to sacrifice some degree of imagined freedom (freedom that I wasn't using anyway) to find a more complete liberty. Of course I am only speculating. I couldn't know the lesson that I am learning right now until it is over. I can only shake my head. I am (I still have to say possibly) acheiving something that I thought was completely impossible, or at the very least was a good ways off, and at the same time I'm working out something else that is more perfect in its uncertainty than it could be in any definite manifestation. It's an impossibility (it seems) and so I love it. And I will miss it when it is gone- being that it could never be true, never be what I imagined it to be. And if it does turn out to be what I've dreamed, or better, then it will be appropriate to its parallel symbolic event.

I still dream of open plains, stars and mountains. And someday that is what I will see when I walk out into the night.

"Well it's my home, last night I dreamt that I grew wings. I found a place that they could hear me when I sing."

!

2006-02-28T09:08:00.000-08:00

there are NOT enough hours in the day. wtf.

chris chris chris

2006-02-27T21:32:00.000-08:00

i <3 you!

new facts:

- retired racehorse, so, thoroughbred
- lived outside for the last year .: current condition

soundtrack to life

2006-02-27T08:12:00.000-08:00

I return to radio paradise to hear black motorcycle club singing to me after learning something kind of annoying today:

This is more than I wanted,
Take me out of the dark, I roam there,
Cold and black, you're out of touch, yeah,
Lightly falling through a whisper, you're scared.

It's the weight of the world, I know, as I struggle to be...whole.
It's the weight of the world, I know, as you were mine, and we will find...

This is stranger than love or loss,
Turning backwards you face the dawning,
No excuse for a wasted life,
Lightly falling through a whisper of sky.

It's the weight of the world, I know.
As I struggle to be...whole.
It's the weight of the world, I know.
As you were mine, and we will find...

Time will change, still the world remains the same,
Time will change, still the world remains the same.

king

2006-02-26T21:15:00.000-08:00

I know this song is about elvis- but now it's about Chris.

Black velvet and that little boy smile
Black velvet with that slow southern style
A new religion that'll bring you to your knees
Black velvet if you please.

Up in Memphis the music's like a heat wave
White lightning, bound to drive you wild.
Mama's baby's in the heart of every school girl
"Love me tender" leaves 'em cryin' in the aisle
The way he moved, it was a sin, so sweet and true.

It's funny that I thought of this song for him because earlier my mom was saying we should name him elvis. We could compromise and name him King. Then his show name (if that ever happened, miracle of miracles) could be Black Velvet. Moderately funny referential humor.

calling all fuzzy feelings...

2006-02-25T17:48:00.000-08:00

...please return to base.

Some subtle doubt has set in, but it doesn't belong here. Doubt is the death of power.

The big news of the day is...I might be getting a horse.

Yeah.

In tribute:

It takes no match to give me a spark
Now I’m trying out another heart
I’ve been winding ‘bout a fresh start
I’ve found myself a good horse

I spurred it over quicksand
And I ran it through the hollow land
I’ve fed it with a shaky hand
I found myself a strong horse

These are the promises I can keep
These are the promises I can keep
To live like I must
And ride with the dust in my face
In grace

This is him (he's very skinny right now). He's only 4 and the sweetest thing on four legs.

Going to show him to mom tomorrow afternoon. Then we'll decide. : ) I heart you Chris, I hope you stay.

fuzzy feelings

2006-02-23T23:54:00.000-08:00

maybe temporary, but I'm happy.

I feel alive and sustained and I can't wait to ride and climb and run and live. Thank you thank you thank you- you know who you are, but no one else does.

::smile::

just visiting

2006-02-22T20:41:00.000-08:00

Ah life. You're such a bitch.

But I love you anyway.

Right now I'm listening to a mix a good friend made me. It's amazing how what we listens to paints a portrait of the things that matter to us, the images that move through our subconscious, and the things we'd like to express to someone else. It's like being with someone in a moment exactly as you'd like it when you listen to music that speaks to your heart from them or for them.

Well. The horse I am smitten with is just visiting. I want to buy him, or half lease him. Something to keep him from going. How awesome would it be to work with a skinny 4 year old and learn with him? My method of gentle encouragement finally paid off in full and he's going bye bye. I just thought maybe I'd thoroughly enjoy riding for a while, but, I guess that's not possible. Well- Saturday will bring us together again, probably for the last time. Sad. I'll miss you Chris (unless I somehow financially secure you).

Life right now is taking me in a direction that is teaching me about my true inner self and desires. In the future I imagine for myself now, the future that seems truest to my desires, there will be alot less blogging (and technology in general) and alot more open spaces. I think the wildlife rehab starting in march will lead me on the active path to this reality.

I guess Chris leaving is fitting as the person with whom I feel most closely bonded is impossible to keep in one place. Not that that is a bad thing. If things go like I want them to, I won't be stationary either. But whether our paths run parallel or intersect is a question that remains to be answered.

I'm trying to be myself right now, and I am more a true representation of myself than I was even a week ago- but I have alot of mortal coil to shuffle off yet. I just hope that my slowness in self-becoming won't create a barrier between me and that person, but maybe build a bridge. In either case construction is going on, but the structure will only become clear at the last moment. "I can't beleive it's true that there are roads left in both of our shoes."

Life brings you luck and peace when you need it, things align into a beautiful lightness when you finally choose to leave the darkness of routine and complacency. But this lightness isn't sustainable. The same thing that comprises the beauty of a first kiss or a shooting star makes up the most beautiful moments in our lives. But the good thing is that while the times of complete peace and beauty are rare, they visit occasionally in smaller instances. A warm cat on your lap, uncontrollable laughter, a combination of both where you laugh and the cat bounces up and down on your stomach, looking at you in irritation (miss you Henry). You get the idea. It's there all the time. You just have to be free to live and accept challenges as well as the positive alignment fate.

So this week I realized a long desired love, I met a matching and willing spirit in a new horse, and now both of these things are departing in one way or another, unless I can figure out a way to sustain them. But it may just be impossible. That doesn't mean it wasn't beautiful for those few days.

R.I.P

2006-02-19T15:31:00.000-08:00

r.i.p little fish friend
brave and handsome till the end

left and leaving

2006-02-18T22:56:00.000-08:00

Wait for the year to drown.
Spring forward, fall back down.
I'm trying not to wonder where you are.

boys, boys, boys!

2006-02-18T10:32:00.000-08:00

Deb- Smile!!

Fun weekend so far. Dinner with Deb last night, delicious food and service ; ) Then up early this morning for our lesson, in which I rode the new mystery dark horse I had dreamed about. His name is Chris, he's only 4, so just a baby. Extremely long in the leg, so tall and narrow! Very sweet and just a fun guy to ride. A new horsey boyfriend. But Deb and I may have to share this one : ) Thank GOD for a new male. It's so much easier for me to ride boys for some reason. The trot and canter just feel more compact and even to me.

Still waiting to hear when I can meet Nemo- but it shouldn't be much longer now. The fish is still fighting. It looks like his swim bladder is a little swollen, which wasn't apparent before. He's still in his little hospital tank and there's still a chance for him.

In other news I just have to hang in there till tomorrow so I can gab with Nikki about our respectively fabulous recent events!!!

...hours later...

I spent an hour in the laundry room talking to a spanish woman named Nora, some in Spanish, some in English. My language skills are surprisingly resilient. In other spanish news I almost ran over one of the barn workers- Marino. Chris was just barreling right for him and I pulled him aside at the last minute. Everyone was laughing about it but wtf?! Why am I such a liability?

My brain is relaxing about recent events. I'm thinking more realistically and am less overwhelmed. I have even started to worry that the glow may wear off completely. But we'll see.

my oh my

2006-02-17T12:51:00.000-08:00

the fish and i are here to tell you about the last week of our life.

little samurai guy is not doing so well. He may have an internal parasite, or may be giving up on life. So right now he is sitting in his little medical cup next to me as I type. Keep your friends close but your ailing marine roomates closer.

He doesn't like the song that's on right now.

I am hoping he recovers. I don't 'like' change- and this week there's been an overwhelming amount of it in a very condensed period of time. I feel like the fish's sudden down turn in health has directly paralleled the bell curve for the last few days.

What has been happening, everyone who needs to know, already knows. I'm dealing with the ol' shock and awe of the aftermath though.

I'm floating in some unreasonable blend of reality of having settled in way more hardcore than I am used to, but that reality also being an almost impossible fantasy. Coping with reality and something that's long been fiction is a bit overwhelming. And seeing the timeline that set these events up, just brings me into myself and where I am right now in life. I am not the self that I've known, yet more myself than ever. Stepping into my own skin and touching everything that's always been out of reach.

This is a high risk game though. My heart hasn't always led me into the safest places. More often than not my desire to live and understand outweighs my propensity to act prudently.

I would say I already know how this will end- but I don't, and I love it. I might be mislead, I might be disappointed, I might finally break free of all of the things that lead me to attachment and disappointment. But in the end, I chose to live, to take the risk in order to be happy and to know myself.

And my cat is waiting to meet me. : )

Rely a bit too heavily
On alcohol and irony
Get clobbered on by courtesy
In love with love and lousy poetry
And I'm leaning on this broken fence
Between past and present tense
And I'm losing all those stupid games
That I swore I'd never play
But it almost feels okay
Circumnavigate this body
Of wonder and uncertainty
Armed with every precious failure
And amature cartography

sweet!

2006-02-12T20:47:00.000-08:00

Spamusement is back!!

sad.

2006-02-12T17:52:00.000-08:00

nature and technology meet. and it's a t-mobile phone. Damn it.

(Image property of Motorola)

i do what i want

2006-02-11T18:43:00.000-08:00

I <3 snow.

Especially when I can cozy up inside with books, and food and tv (but not HBO or other specific satellite channels because the satellite dish was full of snow- great technology).

I am committed to adopting this cat (if we meet and get along). I realized that I had been waiting based on what other people said. But if I am ready, that's what matters. I need to live with animals. I always have, and I always will. And as I get older and better established the number of animals will probably continue to go up. (I see like cats, dogs, horse(s)?) And if I do rehab, a few lions and tigers.

I like staying in. I won't lie.

today = crappy, tomorrow = probably crappier

2006-02-08T22:48:00.000-08:00

Among other things not suitable for mention in a casual blog that made today suckish, Jackson has Lyme's disease. It's why he's been exceptionally vicious. : / It also means he's uncomfortable and in alot of pain.

But now he's on antibiotics...and on the long road to getting better.

Another Morning

2006-02-07T16:05:00.000-08:00

Nothing ever seems
To make you happy
Are you miserable babe?
Or are you just plain mean?
Is there no joy in you?
Well come on don't keep me waiting
Your broken heart might bring you, heaven to heaven
But it will not bring you another morning

Someone does you wrong
You give away your whole life to prove it
You wear your pain with pride
You refuse to remove it
You become the evil that plays with you like a doll

Was your voice never heard
Well come on you know we're all listening
Justice will only bring you a prison
A prison
And it will not bring you another morning
Now you're the big expert with the truth
Now you're all apple pie
And you're bullet proof
There must have been a short five minutes somewhere in your youth
When you laughed like water breaking over the broken land
When you laughed like the wind burning the sun blind on your face
When you laughed like water breaking over the broken dam
When you laughed like the starting gun at the start of a race
I want to smash the violence and the symphony
I wanna see you smile with a real simple melody
It's when you wake up and you're glad that you're breathing
It's when you wake up and you're glad that you're living
Well that's another morning

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

2006-02-07T09:04:00.000-08:00

Everyone must watch the 2hr season finale of Arrested Development on Friday Feb 10 at 8 pm on Fox.

Seriously. Do it.

Who goes out before 10 anyway? Losers.

funny stuff

2006-02-03T12:30:00.000-08:00

Some comic clips from the last few days:

and finally...

sigh

2006-02-02T10:48:00.000-08:00

i can't wait for saturday!

a leisurely day at the barn.

: )

growing up

2006-02-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

If there was an elevator of life, and the door opened on my floor today, the elevator operator would look at me and say 'growing up?'

If there were pun and metaphor police, I'd be put away for a long time.

Nothing is more humbling than seeing yourself realize that you got carried away. I got carried away, and it's easy to understand why. I do it often, for one. My mind runs away on long, winding paths of the completely unlikely and impossible. The way back is usually less meandering, the scenery is plainer and the gait is somewhat sheepish.

I've only been riding for a year. One year. Sure I rode when I was a kid. Fine. That didn't really count. Years have passed since then, all the skills I was starting to bud withered and died in that long horseless space. What I basically have to accept is that no matter how many times a week I ride, if I'm not getting any better (although I think I am) it's my own fault. It doesn't really have to do with the horse, and any other excuse I might come up with. Right now all of my littlest faults are sort of ganging up to create some frustration, but even they are improving and know they aren't welcome any longer.

What I need to do is not worry about what horse I am riding. Sure, that is a small part of it. What I need to do is focus on myself, build up my skill set and be worthy of any horse that comes along.

Anyway- two new web jobs today! Hooray!

Requisite blogging before working complete- time for working after blogging.

the middle space

2006-01-31T14:43:00.000-08:00

well...being socially reclusive and taciturn seemed to be working for a while. it helped me address the period I was going through anyway. I'm not quite 'out of the woods' yet as they say. (Unnecessary scare quotes). (Really unnecessary parentheticals).

I'm still motivated as far as design goes. Not on fire with it, but motivated. Which is good. But I am experiencing general life blah.

Even riding, a solace is subject to political constipation that prevents it from being as enjoyable as it could be. If I got $12,000 dollars as a gift every year I would buy a horse, and stable it, and not have to worry about this. But as it is, I chose to pursue a complicated riding situation. blah. blaaaah.

Hm I started writing this entry hours ago. Then I got distracted by...music! (Ellipse for me thinking, not dramatic pause...again with the parentheticals) That's right. I am exploring The Be Good Tanyas, Hem and other folky mysteries. And finding all sorts of horse songs for the riding mixes. The 'Riding mix' has more evolved into a few horse/riding/freedom/folk related songs for every other lesson or so and then some other good new music. But in the end I think it will contribute to a more refined riding mix.

I am accepting various elements of my nature I had forced into some other shape in the past.

...just fyi.

Apparently I may be getting a bridle for my birthday from J's mom...I don't know if this is really possible without a horse. But if it is...and if it happens, pretty soon I will have every basic trapping for a horse...and no horse. Sad. But...someday.

I wish I knew how the cat adoption was going. Maybe I will e-mail...

obsessed?

2006-01-28T13:04:00.000-08:00

um- I just signed up for a third lesson this week. I think I might have a problem.

Well my logic is that while I am enjoying upward progression in my riding skills and am free from a 9 to 5, I should partake in an 'intensive' riding program. That way I continue to improve and stay in shape. That is, if logic even has a role in this. It may be that there is nothing more exciting with which to fill my time right now. And I have alot of years to catch up on.

I'm also partially driven by the desire to be on Jackson at least once a week. Two outta three aint bad, but one out of three is just bearable. Another girl in our lesson who normally rides a younger mare is out of a mount because the mare is recovering from some stitches. Fight in the field apparently. So she rode him today, which was fine, but if it's going to be every saturday for a while I will pick up other lessons. But also the intensive thing.

In other news- we were driving to our lesson today and saw this little beagle come sailing down the middle of the street.

I saw him way off and was like, 'Watch out for that dog.' then I noticed that he didn't have an owner anywhere in site. Without thinking I am like 'stop the car', Deb is on the same page, so we stopped the car, Deb opens her door and in he jumps, like this was just part of the adventure. We drove up the street that he'd run down from and stopped at one of the houses, asking if the resident recognized the dog. But she didn't. We had to get to the lesson so we figured we'd call the SPCA or police afterwards and drop him off. And if no one claimed him- well, he was absolutely adorable. I considered keeping him for a moment or two there. We kept him in the car during the lesson, since he was barking at all the horses. I came out to check on him occasionally, to be greeted by happy licks.

After the lesson I was in the tack room (searching in vain for an easily accessible treat for Josie since in a rare incident, I came to the barn without apples or carrots) when I heard a voice outside "...small black beagle..." I peered around at first thinking someone had called the police on our behalf, but when I saw that it was a civilian I burst out of the tack room and was like "You're looking for a beagle?! We've got him." The dog saw his owner and made a beeline. We were glad it worked out so conveniently. Apparently they had a few people out looking for him.

Turns out he was about 9 months old, his name was Goose (cute!) and while dogs in the neighborhood do walk around without leashes, he doesn't yet have enough sense to run back home, instead of full throttle down the road. I just hope he's learned his lesson- not every car that opens its doors will be two sympathetic females.

And then another horse got loose. A horse that doesn't stop if you get in front of him, and who was supposed to be leaving for a show. All in all, a way too exciting day. And it's only half over.

web snobbery

2006-01-26T19:31:00.000-08:00

Well- I am resigned to the fact that my most recent update of Firefox **erased my bookmarks** or didn't and I am just too dumb to get them from whatever ether they're lost in, in which case, I don't deserve them back I suppose. But if I am accurate in my assessment that it is just a strange mac/firefox quirk, my rage is justified and I want those bookmarks back damnit.

So in cleansing my design palette I started with last year's entries and winners of the Webby Awards. This of course led me into a winding spiral of reading about mysterious paintings and crop circles (on suspiciously normal looking pages) and some American chick who lives in Paris, but is actually French...or something.

But the golden nugget of my web gallavanting was the entry on iTunes from Banterist.

All in all, distractions aside, it has been a productive voyage, and I have some ideas for my own site's redesign. Which I plan to actually administer in a public way in the mind-blowingly imminent future.

So back to the browsing. I hope I've helped you waste some time.

cranky

2006-01-25T19:41:00.000-08:00

I have been somewhat no-nonsense lately. It may be the weather and the repetition or lack of variety of my activities, but I would largely prefer to have my space. Friends welcome of course, and I look forward to new activities, but I think being able to sit alone and read or think or draw is what I need right now. Today has been the first sort of opportunity to do that - so I am taking it to blog...sort of reflective, sort of communicative, meditative even. Staring into the face of my beautiful mac, typing out my thoughts in a post-riding glow, how could I not feel zen?

We had a hard lesson tonight. Not difficult, but physically demanding because it was all groundwork (no jumping) which means no sitting around and waiting for other people to jump, but being in motion, and actively, for an hour solid. My legs might have been a smidge tired because I was just riding a day ago, and a day before that. But it wasn't too bad, I guess I am in pretty good shape with it finally. One thing I would like to do is start devoting more time to my whole body health. Nurturing my inner feline and stretching much more than I am and such. Riding is good for circulation, cardio and muscle toning and building, but the body needs attention from more than one activity. I think running is out since it's been so cold and my knees have been complaining- no need to aggravate their condition. Though on a nicer day I could be tempted with a trail run. Running on gravel and uneven ground is pleasantly more challenging than pounding relentlessly on asphalt.

I didn't ride my mighty steed tonight as he was already being ridden in a lesson that was going on when we arrived. But I did have the pleasure of noticing that when he heard my voice coming around the isle he grudgingly stuck his head out of his stall. It was sort of comical, because the expression on his face and the way his ears were back was just like 'I am sticking my head out here because I want to- and you had nothing to do with it...but I am looking at you...hey, where are you going?'

I appreciate the fact that it's slow going with him. I don't expect to be able to pet him and cuddle him all the time, why would I want to? I'm not really like that myself. But I think that it would be very rewarding to offer him the chance to not be defensive all the time. To understand that for a while work can be fun, that it won't always be a challenge to him. The moments when he is open to having a scratch or willingly approaches are the moments that make it rewarding. Because all the horses have their own particular defenses. Some of them don't have as many. Even Josie, the steady going lesson horse is only as indifferent as she is because it's always another inconsiderate student. She isn't ridden by one person all the time, she has to deal with all different levels of skill and sensitivity. There's a marked difference when she is ridden by someone who knows what they are doing, who doesn't have to kick and whip all the time, and who takes the extra steps in grooming her. Well anyway, I guess what I am saying is that a horse can help change a person. And a person can help change a horse. Jackson has helped me become a better rider in just a few lessons, and with time he will understand that I don't speak in the vocabulary of violence and assumption, but in patience and quiet- he is already starting to pick up a few of the words.

Sure, there are horses that are ruined by people, sometimes beyond repair. But for the most part if the person takes the time to understand the horse instead of just saying 'oh she's just mean' that makes all the difference. Patience makes all the difference. You can tell a horse 'No' and smack it when it bites you, and it may learn that biting you results in an unpleasant reaction, and not attempt to bite you as often, but still want to. Alternatively, if you just say 'No' firmly and make the extra effort to communicate what you are doing, the horse will understand that they have no need to bite you. And that's a relationship. The former is a master-beast interaction. The beast will still want to bite you, but your partner will understand you.

I feel a little bit like I'm dealing with King Kong.

I realize that the situation sounds a little idyllic as I describe it, but it has its fundamentals in truth. You really can make a difference in a person or an animal's life by the amount you choose to invest in trying to understand. As always there are hopeless cases, but you can recognize those after a while. There's nothing I hate more than giving up, but I can admit when a cause is lost (usually). Which is why I am happy to report the cause I have chosen is showing promise. I just hope I can honor my part of the bargain. And that I am given more opportunities to do so.

Anyway, I enjoyed the big lesson. It gives you some extra challenges and a wider area of focus. I feel like I perform somewhat better with the added incentive of other people around. Bit shameful I suppose but not really, as it's sort of a subconscious thing. I feel like I am allowed a bit of slack in a smaller lesson and it's okay if I don't completely try to get something done, and that's bad for me to learn, to take the easy way out. But in a bigger lesson, you have to do what is asked of you or you mess it up for everyone, and I think that helps drive any given point home. I like a little variety.

I would write about something beside horses and riding except that is what I have been involved with like every freaking day this past week, so this is a pretty accurate reflection of current happenings.

I am reading alot though.

And I am meeting with a woman (from the barn) tomorrow at her house to discuss setting up a website for her online tack shop. That's sort of a breath of fresh air as web projects go. Other work has been going okay but a little unevenly. I think that is my fault though. I need to regain my drive, but before I can do that I have to feed my creativity. So it's a trade off. Hence the unevenness.

Well...my eyes are starting to burn not just from barn dust but from tiredness. I think sleep is creeping up on me. At least, I hope it is. I can't seem to fall asleep these days.

sick!

2006-01-22T10:16:00.000-08:00

I've been fending off a cold forever and got the fastest onset sinus infection I've ever seen. Headache yesterday, puffy eyes and sneezing today. DAMMIT. But it's fine. Some wellness formula and some sucking it up are all I need.

Yesterday was interesting. It was like 60 degrees out and sunny, so we rode outside up in the big ring. Because the horse I was riding was out in the mud I had to wash him off before I could even tack him up, it took us longer than usual to get ready. Then in all the hubub I forgot to put his bell boots on (boots put on the front hooves to prevent crossfire injuries) so Jackson and I had to go back in and as we came out I looked over and saw Leigh's black stallion, Vonner, out by the field. I saw Denise with him so I thought that she was putting him in the field, but turns out, he had gotten loose. He made his bid for freedom, tail up as he galloped away into the field past the ring and into the woods. Deb kindly offered to hold Jackson so I could run in but with the tension going around I responded 'On Nikki? I don't think so.' (A little more harshly than intended). Two reasons- she was mounted, and Jackson had been looking for a chance to bite Nikki every time we passed her. I didn't want to add any more chaos to the mix. So I am still on the ground and jogging beside Jackson back into the barn to get Leigh (running alongside a horse is pretty cool I might add and I had to admire his willingness to trot alongside me- he seemed to understand the urgency). They finally got Vonner and the lesson could resume. During the next lesson one of the ponies dropped her rider and went galloping off down to the fields where the other horses were, resisting all temptations to come back to the ring until Leigh walked out with a bucket of food. When the choice between freedom and oats was presented, oats won.

It was pretty interesting all in all. And all of the horses knew what was happening. High whinnies and neighing filled the barn as they all cheered or perked up in anxiety.

There was alot of energy in the air yesterday, more than once an individual field would set out at full gallop with some fights breaking out here and there.

The cold has annoyingly sucked away my energy and focus so if I had more to type here...it'll have to wait.

What it is right now

2006-01-20T13:10:00.000-08:00

"Tower of Learning" Rufus Wainwright

Threadless

Digital video clips of our jumps from our Wednesday super awesome birthday lesson.

Text messages. So many freaking text messages. Doesn't anyone call anymore?

So all that worry for nothing apparently. Maybe it was that I was too tired to be anxious, or too excited to be, but on Wednesday I was calm as a hindu cow.

I rode my horse of choice, and I really just haven't ridden that well in forever. If ever. The faster he went, the calmer I was. The bigger the jumps he took, the bigger the grin. Obviously the mischeivous imp in me didn't want to slow him down, but the serious-minded rider kicked in and let us get away with just that one super leap, and made us buckle down and fly right for the rest of the jumps. That lesson was great in every way a lesson can be great. Good people, good jumps, a great ride.

I will post a video clip or two of Deb and I sailing over some jumps. Brendan couldn't get any action shots with the camera (where is that damn action setting anyway?) so he took video clips instead, which was smart, because now we can actually critique our jumping form. Fabulous.

I think I'm crossing that barrier that I needed to. And now I'm 23. Huzzah.

Happy horse

2006-01-19T09:49:00.000-08:00

Action Jackson. Ears up. : )

January Promises

2006-01-16T18:03:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's all the Death Cab for Cutie I've been listening to, but I have been feeling longing and wistful. For what...well there are a few things I could point to. But I am at the same time learning more about myself and the whole concept of time and place. I should probably add that I am feeling vague(ish).

So I am gaining and sort of losing at the same time. I feel like I have a chance to prove myself approaching or here already. And I think I am acting in kind, but I won't be sure until after it's all over. I get random stabs of anxiety when my mind goes in a certain general direction, but it doesn't apply to just one thing. One area maybe, but hopefully the coming days will assuage it.

It's annoying that the only thing you can really do in a blog is complain. This is what people respond to. Crisis. Whine! Bitch! Moan! Air your grievances and grab the interest or conflicting opinions of the masses. (Very small masses in my case).

Fortunately I have been complaining all day.

One thing I am learning to do is not talk so much about the things I really love. I love riding, but not one of my friends, except my riding soulmate can understand that. And even she has limit to how much she can talk about riding. This is something I can't fathom. I could talk about it all the time. But I am learning not to. Even my instructor seems reluctant to indulge in equine conversation. I am starting to see why I like irrepressibly energetic dogs, wildly optimistic body wagging things. That's how I feel about my new love. But- the more you talk about something the less energy you are actually devoting to it. And I find that as I devote more energy and time and money to the activity, I naturally begin to talk about it less and less. This means I am focusing. But in the meantime I am just so excited to have somewhere to focus my energy and attention and desire for mastery that I want to talk to everyone I know about it. But I don't because that's annoying.

When I annoy people, I want it to be intentional.

The other things I love and want...well those are up in the air and some things you just can't talk about until you're sure. I think I am being dumb and need to calm down, so I'm going to try to do that. Since I am not talking about it at all however, I find myself devoting alot of subconscious and occasionally conscious energy to it. I can't get off my own nerves with it. Oh well.

This week should be fun...if a little bit crazy.

Meeting tomorrow, some work I think, a trip to Rick's, some clothes shopping, then hanging out/watching Wedding Crashers, lesson on wednesday, with me hopefully having mastered my irrational anticipation, and hopefully with someone taking pictures of us jumping, hair cut and dye, thursday is my birthday...nothing special really. dinner then going out. I already got my present:

[Denise is telling another woman what grade all the riders are in, she gets to me and I say:]

"And I'm in highschool!"

She says:

"You could be!"

I know it's a little early to be grateful for looking young, but what the hell.

Time Out

2006-01-14T19:58:00.000-08:00

Mixing similes on a page about lyme disease:

"I saw this on my own golden retriever and within a few days he woke like a stiff 90 year old man that could hardly make it to his food bowl."

What 90 year old man has to 'make it to his food bowl?' Geriatric abuse.

Friday the 13th

2006-01-13T08:43:00.000-08:00

I started the day by twisting my ankle at 2 am. Woohoo! It's fine I think. I'll learn how fine when I dismount tomorrow.

So...I am a little bitter after Macworld. I just got my 17-inch powerbook g4 in May. And mac rushes production on a dual processor intel chip.

"You’ve dreamed about it long enough. Now it has a name: MacBook Pro. Powered by a dual-core Intel engine. Up to four times the speed of the PowerBook G4."

Four times the speed. Well- I am interested to see the initial consumer reactions. I anticipate a little retribution in the form of gleeful giggles at the horrible snags people run into. But on the whole, I hope that this quells the quirks that mac bears so proudly. As my powerbook now sits on my lap, burning my legs and making me sterile, I know that should I enter the animation field, I will be grateful for Mac's decision to move to intel.

Also- this is what I've been whining about. iPod remote. But why not come up with something for last year's iPods at least? I'm not going to go buy a new iPod so I can have the remote, particularly because I suspect this doesn't really provide the functionality I am looking for. What mac really needs to develop is a search feature for the iPod. With thousands of songs, scrolling through the alphabet just isn't practical.

In other news-

I am determined to get this website redesign up and going. I'm being horrible to myself as a client. I should fire me.

I am attempting to read Painter's 'Standing at Armageddon: The United States, 1877-1919' to brush up on a particular period of American history I feel appropo to current issues. And to get my history fix. I miss history and have forgotten most of it. So this is good for me. And a nice foil to 'The Golden Compass' which is strangely awesome but still strange.

Going out in Manayunk has been a good time. Smoke free drinking and knife throwing. Line from last night re: throwing some kind of massive hunting knife:

"You can go in there and throw it at the carpet if you want."

I throw the knife at the first carpet I see. I rethink this. I clomp back into the other room.

"Did you mean the carpet on the floor or the carpet on the wall?"

If all goes well I'll be seeing Brokeback Mountain tonight. Finally!

two hilarious shirts

2006-01-12T16:04:00.000-08:00

I love Threadless.

Real Men Hunt Deer with Swords

and

Vegetarians are Eating the Rainforests

HEY!

2006-01-12T15:50:00.000-08:00

you ARE allowed to comment on my blog, people. Gimme some love!!

when you stole the car and drove towards mexico

2006-01-09T17:55:00.000-08:00

Let the poets
Cry themselves to sleep
And all their tearful words
Will turn back into steam
But me, I'm a single cell
On a serpent's tongue
There's a mighty field
Where a garden was

I got ten bites on my leg two days ago, from a spider that looks like this:
Subsequently, last night, I smushed a spider that looks like this:
Bastard.

This new year bears alot of promise. As I mentioned in a recent past, I realized that part of my agitation was due to my fear of action. I have always been aware of the difference between being busy to be productive and being busy for fear of stopping for one peaceful moment to realize where you are. This second kind of fear is more crippling than the fear that keeps one from acting. At least when you are afraid to act you are forced to contemplate. But when you act and act and act and always leave and never stay, always going never arriving...then you can never understand who you are and where you are coming from. Little more where you are going. Moreover if you can never know yourself, you can never present a self to be known, and if someone can't know you, they can never love you. If you know what kind of flower you are, you will know what kind of insects to attract.

There are alot of travel opportunities ahead of me this year. Money will determine whether I partake in some of them. But a desire for true direction rather than distraction will keep me from travelling when I feel I should stay put.

I used to think that travel could teach me all I would need to know about the world and myself, but I was blind to the world immediately around me, as potent and enchanting as any world I could travel to. Make no mistake, I still plan to travel. But right now my life is a life of action, and staying and not running away. I'm ready to do the things I always said I would do.

I am officially applying to adopt that particular cat.
I am attending an orientation in March to volunteer at the Wildlife Rehab Clinic.
I am working on my own website and artistic vision.
I am preparing to live on my own.
I am applying for a part time job, in addition to the freelance contracting- to break up the monotony. (Petco, if you were curious).
I am becoming more determined.

If I can live my life here, I can live it anywhere. I want to go to grad school, attend a program that will cut a clear path for me into my occupational future, and I want the peripheral activities that I am doing right now to continue to be my second and third hats. I will always wear many.

If I can stay in Philadelphia for the next two years and actually live in the real world, working and living in one of the best cities in the US (all native jadedness aside), then I know that I can move on to somewhere else.

I can feel Philadelphia growing old on me. I stayed here for school, and I am staying here for school again. I know I can do it for two years, but after that I hear the winds calling me across the country. When I have flashes of longing I see fields of tall grass in purple twilight. I see wires and birds on fences. Sensory flashes of a picture I can only put together later. I long for something else. But for now, I have to build a foundation.

What I have realized in investigating petco for employment for example, is that I am not bound to any path. I mean, I always know this, but sometimes the realization becomes tangible. I could move to anywhere I want and be employed in any fashion, build any kind of life. So if I don't figure it out right now, not a loss. If I spend two years in philly trying to figure it out, at least I have the benefit of family and friends.

South dakota was a taste of that for me. A taste of the fields, the sparse landscape the openness and possibility I am obsessed with. There are severe gaps in my understanding, of myself, of the world, of the two in relation to one another. How can I fill them if I don't locate myself in some real sense? A moving target...and all that.

In other news, bren and I saw a piebald deer the other day. It was mostly white and had some brown from its head down to its shoulders. Very strange. It was a young male and it was limping, but not terribly. We went back to look for it today, but no luck. Two standard deer, but our white friend was unavailable. We may have to look again.

I've also decided that if I do get a cat- it's a housecat. I've seen like three cats as roadkill in the last week. And that is way too many. Why don't people use their brakes?

I think part of the reason I enjoy the company of animals so much is that they operate on a very simple communication system. They may use you for food and shelter, but the trade off is usually rewarding. One of the sensations in life that I can't stand is the feeling of being used. I am too kind sometimes. It's weird to say of yourself, but I've been told this recently and realized that it is true. I come from generous people and think that being generous is wonderful, but some people don't know when to turn the benefit of social nourishment and shelter into a reciprocal relationship. It's not like I would really stop being generous, but some people just take too great of an advantage and give too little back. Entitlement is usually the problem. We are the entitlement generation, but I resent people who feel that they are entitled to whatever it may be, just by virtue of being their wonderful selves. I know some of my friends reading this will sort of smirk and say 'damn right I deserve it all' but ladies and gents...you have to earn it. If you ask why, consider yourself retarded.

SUVs are good for something

2006-01-06T10:47:00.000-08:00

I just applied to adopt this cat (along with everyone in NJ)
(Image property of DOUGLAS M. BOVITT Courier-Post)

This is the cat that was clinging to the undercarriage of an SUV for 60 miles on the NJ turnpike at "70 mph" (remember this is an SUV- and it's the NJ Turnpike, so probably more like 90 mph).

"Real positive this time"

2006-01-04T21:47:00.000-08:00

To quote my riding instructor. A simple lesson that everyone could learn from.

I may have lost my 'I can fly' devil-may-care optimism (along with the contemporaneously embraced defensive cynicism) but I still understand that when things are frustrating or disappointing or unknowns, there are only choices. Whether fate proves itself and ultimate destiny is the motus operandi for biological existence, for those of us know don't know any better, choices determine the day-to-day quality of life.

Something happened when the clock flipped over to 2006. A shroud fell away from my eyes and I lost my ability to selectively see people's positive aspects. I have been shaking my head so consistently I may as well have a nervous disorder. People are disappointing, that's all there is to it. If you're reading this, don't worry, it doesn't apply to my loving and dear friends, one or two of them perhaps.

Only guys actually. Guys- why do you change for women? Why do the best of males choose to lie to themselves and their longtime friends about what they want? Their whole character integrity just shatters. It's disappointing. And if this is how you crumble when faced with the double x-chromosome, then maybe you shouldn't expect to change the world. Love is one thing. But lying to yourself is another. Lying to your friends is just an extension of your self-lie.

What this all comes down to I suppose is that spurred by the resolution-making and self-evaluation and simultaneous career and lifestyle changes happening with the onset of the new year, I have alot of energy. I have energy to put toward all of the things that I am determined to do or catch my fancy and I refuse to let fear or laziness (as a manifestation of fear) get in my way. And when I see so many people who I thought were strong (my mistake) become petulant and wishy-washy over less challenging issues, it serves to inspire me to get on my high horse, turn it around...and kick them.

I guess you could say I am frustrated. Hopefully tomorrow's career discussion will eliminate some of my confusion and misdirected energy. But similarly it will, in one way or another, drive me toward what I should be spending my time on right now.

Dostoevsky's 'Notes from Underground' comes to mind.

That being said, I guess I am only frustrated enough to whine about it online, but not so much that I would waste the time of friends by bending their ears with this.

I have frustrations stemming from myself as well, they manifest in my lack of active determination. Of letting my 'go-with-the-flow' attitude get bent into a 'be comatose and don't actively pursue anything until absolutely forced to' type of affair. A good example of this is going over a damn jump on a horse. Simple enough. Done it plenty of times. But yet- for some reason, I just don't want it bad enough. Maybe I should stop and ask 'What's my motivation?'

Other examples are my grad school preparation. Moving verrrrry slowly on this. Granted I have plenty of time to prepare for Penn, but I have only just stopped referring to my grad school plans in a verbally noncommital way. I have decided, actively, that Penn is the program I want to apply to. I don't want to apply to just any program just to get into grad school, the one that started this whole further education concept and the one that will finish it or let it not be finished, is Penn. The only other school I am considering is RISD but I haven't fully committed to the application for a number of reasons. I don't feel great about that fact, but I can't go for it if I can't give it my all. So I am waiting for that last self-revelation.

Along with the shroud falling away from my eyes, my language has become more direct, my personality more on the surface. This could have to do with being with old friends again in a totally new context, and still being friends with them but being different people by now, so building a whole new level of friendship. But it most likely has to do with a distinct sense of reality. The world is set upon me and I am one within it.

Like I said people- decisions. My complete indecision about what to do with myself had (temporarily) crippled me. But I am back in motion, and that has made all the difference. Only by finding a real direction I am passionate about am I going to be satisfied with how I spend my time. When you are disappointed don't look to other people and whine about them (bash them in your blog a little bit, sure) but look to yourself and figure out what it is that you want. Don't bother asking. Only look, and look well- because there isn't a single answer anywhere, just the facts and choices.

It's all about the Hamiltons, baby.

2006-01-03T12:29:00.000-08:00

This is funny:

Chronic of Narnia

Current

2006-01-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

Current Listening: Rufus Wainwright, Poses.
Selected Song: Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

Current Project: Personal website redesign (preparing for re-employment) and miscellaneous BMC tasks.

Most Correspondence from: Nikki

Favorites

Favorite Networking Tool: Facebook (Liz- why aren't you on facebook? For the love of jeebus)

Favorite TV Show: Arrested Development

Favorite Activity: Riding : )

rabbit rabbit

2006-01-01T09:57:00.000-08:00

New Year's Revelations:

1. Pool + Alcohol = bad
2. Fate is easily tempted
3. Grandmoms can pound tequila
4. Spider plants thrive on neglect
5. Liz's friend Rachel rocks

New Year's Resolutions: (yeah, baby)

I always struggle with the 'new year, new beginning' concept, but I appreciate a set date for a new opportunity and think that it is generally a good thing that social tradition dictates that at least once in a certain time cycle, people should step back from their lives and reevaluate them.

That being said, I am going to set down some resolve for myself in print- so that I don't forget what I resolved, and when I do forget (because I will) I can go somewhere and find my old resolutions.

1. Be better to myself.

Nourish my body properly, and be attentive to my health in terms of a long run.
Educating myself on my own conditions. This may include having a checkup with a doctor before my health insurance runs out on January 19th.
Being fully prepared for the activities I choose to engage in. This started with buying a winter coat, instead of wearing 5 sweatshirts and a jacket. It continued with being given some warm riding gear for christmas, and a saddle as well. I can be a little stingy with spending money on myself, especially when it comes to my own physical needs. This year I plan to suck it up and be well equipped.

2. Be more aware of my surroundings.

People's names are a biggie. I may never really excel at remembering names of one time meetings, or care, but with a little effort I can avoid the awkward introduction situation.

3. Keep an eye to the future.

Focus, focus, focus. I have been working on the redesign of philAsophy and will have it up by the end of the month at least. Doing so has forced me to rework my resume and portfolio, choose how I will represent myself professionally and make myself more visible.
I have drafted a letter to my first nonprofit with an offer of my skills for no charge to fix or rework their website.
This renewed focus generally entails understanding more about myself and my world, where I fit in and how I can best utilize my skills to my own satisfaction and challenge, but also to the most appropriate benefit to the world around me.
Being more organized. I'm working on this one...

4. Make time for free time.

Working freelance means that work often leaks into playtime, but I choose to force myself to enjoy doing a leisure activity or something relaxing, or even, nothing at all. Because life is about more than work and still being unsure of what I want or where I want to be, or having a general sense at best, it would benefit me to just stop and take a minute here and there.

That's all really. I am constantly changing and trying to understand my life and the things that are important to me. I think living alone this year in the real world will help me to get a better hold on what I want. As nice as it is to have someone by your side, it can occasionally cloud your vision or confuse your intentions.

New Year's Eve was a great night. We went to Liz's house and hung out with the O'Sullivan clan.

Me and Liz- so painfully glamorous.
We played darts. Liz proceeded to hit dead center on her first turn and several times again, after claiming that she was no good at darts (mine are the darts hanging on for dear life far out on the right side of the board)...

Damn you Liz...
And, true to form, after observing the inflatable chairs in front of the dart board and pointing out that having them there is sort of tempting fate, Liz launches a fantastic throw that defies physics and...
Tada!

We also played pool- but there are no pictures of that. And neither Liz nor I (both having pool tables in our basements) performed well at all. We blame alcohol.

Oh yeah and...

...the saddle.

rainmaker

2005-12-19T21:06:00.000-08:00

Some assorted shots from this weekend:

Big Cat Rescue:

< Big cat

< Small cat

< No zoom, you really get this close.

< Ann expressing her love of beer (or hockey). Young being blurry, Pat in background (actually interested in the game)

< Hockey game

< The sky while I'm in Tampa

< Gigi

< Out at Howl at the Moon

< The sky when I leave

< Philly

So a quick photo snapshot of Ann's graduation (sans any actual graduation pictures). Maybe details about the weekend will be forthcoming.

ugh

2005-12-12T18:38:00.000-08:00

life just got a little bit uglier. slips and tangles keep popping up.

on the agenda:
-finding a job
-finding a new apartment
-finding a roomate for new apartment
-applying to and getting in to grad school
-staying sane...or going insane

If I posted song lyrics up here about the crappiness of the current state of my life they would be plentiful and mournful. As it is I think I just prefer to tattoo them all over my body in a physiological expression of pain. Anyway I can't resist just one.

"I need to be patient and I need to be brave,
Need to discover how I need to behave
And I'll find out the answers when I know what to ask
But I speak a different language
And everybody's talking too fast
Miniature disasters
And minor catastrophes
Bring me to my knees
But I must be my own master
Or a miniature disaster
Will be
Well I've got to run a little faster
Or a miniature disaster
Will be the death of me"
-KT Tunstall, Miniature Disasters

holiday spirit in overdrive

2005-12-12T08:14:00.000-08:00

this is hilarious:
http://media.putfile.com/Wizards-of-Winter-Christmas-Lights

(thanks Lizard)

And now to work.

Of late

2005-12-08T14:16:00.000-08:00

First, we decorated the lemon tree as our christmas tree. HOW ADORABLE.
Needless to say I adhere to the 'a life is a life' philosophy and don't dig the fact that every year millions of trees are cut down (and prior to that grown for the purpose of being cut down). Poi, lemon tree = christmas tree.
Then of course we have that passing inkling I get every so often that many lives are intertwined in a more direct way than all matter sharing in other matter. This suspicion sharpens in moments of pause and bemusement such as the following:

I've recently started reading Seabiscuit, on loan from darling Deborah and came across this image:

Earlier this year I was at the barn and took the following picture (before I had ever known anything about Seabiscuit).

Funny, ain't it? It's more than a little bit funny, as the pictures aren't identical, but the general positioning and expression of person and horse are almost identical, and learning more about the personality of the horse and the trainer (Seabiscuit and Tom Smith) the similarities merit a wry smile.

That's all I've got for now. This week it's been really hard to get motivated since early next week I find out if I have to go look for a job or not.

Independent contracting has been awesome and fortuitous but if I don't get the major redesign task early next week it's off to the world of dependent employment. ::sigh:: I'm looking around for signs of what direction to meander next.

Right now I'm basically living between Wednesdays and Saturdays, if it's not one or the other I operate in a haze of things to do until it's time to ride again. At least something has my attention right now. But can I figure out a way to get paid for it?

gender nature revealed

2005-12-06T21:38:00.000-08:00

A quote from a purse blog:

"Be a woman. Follow your primal instinct and indulge yourself with gorgeous bags. Manifest your passion for chic shoulder wear."

Woman's primal instinct is to indulge herself with gorgeous bags? Oh this must have been why we started killing and skinning animals! It probably took a while for primal women to find any use for the bags seeing as receipts and tissues weren't invented yet.

While manifesting your passion for chic shoulder wear be sure to fully embody the ardor...include squirrels and parrots who travel in the right circles.

**disclaimer: I stumbled on this blog when searching for a purse pattern, which I suppose exonerates me from the primal urge part.

thai elephant orchestra

2005-12-05T14:42:00.000-08:00

This is hilarious, but I actually have the album, and it's also really beautiful peaceful music.

An excerpt from the Liner Notes:

The mahouts told me the elephants especially enjoyed playing the renats [large marimba-like instruments]. They took easily to the harmonica, which was the basis for the first elephant music fad: one morning I arrived in the jungle hearing the sound of harmonicas from all around, in the hills and in the river. The elephants were walking on different paths in the woods playing the harmonicas, which they hold easily in their trunk. The gong and thundersheet initially scared some elephants, but they soon adapted. The kaen worked well for sound production but the elephants couldn't hold it and needed to use the mahouts as instrument stands. The elephants didn't seem interested in the bells, theremin, or synthesizer keyboard, but would play when asked. They disliked playing the wind instruments with a large mouthpiece (i.e., trunkpiece). A mahout told me they were afraid that a snake might jump through the wind holes into their trunks!

With the exception of the theremin, we didn't reward the elephants while learning the instruments. I gave them apples and oranges after they finished performing long pieces to have them associate playing music with a good time. I don't think it's interesting to teach elephants to play prewritten human melodies. It's much more interesting to hear how they "choose to play". After teaching the elephants to play the instruments and giving some indication of how the instrument should be played for that piece, I would cue the elephant and mahout to start and stop. The mahout would encourage his animal by moving his arms in a mime of the elephant's trunk.

The notes and rhythms of the pieces were chosen completely by the elephants. One surprise is that they play variously in duple meter (straight eighth notes), triple meter (alternating quarter and eighth notes), and a dotted rhythm (dotted eighth and sixteenth). Sometimes they found motifs for a particular piece and repeated them. I cannot say why they made these choices. In these recordings outdoors in a clearing in the teak forest you can hear the mahouts encouraging the elephants, and Thai tourists who stumbled on the sessions. The Thai tourists told me that the elephants sounded as if they were performing a style of music that can be heard in the temples.

The rest of the liner notes are here if you're curious.

Because the first album was so successful US-based conservationists have contributed to the project by rescuing elephants from dismal lives in Thai streets and putting them to work as recording artists. Strange world.

2006

2005-12-05T14:19:00.000-08:00

Astrology always amuses me. But is sometimes uncanny.

2006 OVERVIEW
With Saturn -- heavenly purveyor of many sought-after qualities like integrity, responsibility and discipline -- as your ruler, you're an inspiration to everyone around you. So whether your current companion is by your side for platonic, professional or romantic reasons this year won't really matter. They'll just be proud to be with you. And while you're not ordinarily fond of the spotlight, you'd better try to get used to it, because it will be just about impossible to avoid. In fact, the attention, admiration and applause of the masses will be around every corner for you this year -- and it's your own darned fault.

You began working hard to achieve your professional goals (especially that reputation for fairness and benevolence) around late summer 2005. The response from coworkers and higher-ups has been terrific ever since, but don't forget that all this has happened for one reason: because you've put in the time and effort to make it happen. But 2005 was really just practice -- 2006 is your year to shine. Don't you dare try to avoid the accolades!

In other news, you'll also have plenty of romantic opportunities to pursue this year. You're due to meet someone -- or finally notice someone -- in January or February. This particular someone will be entertaining, magnetic and spontaneous enough to keep you interested for a good long time. (It's a good thing, too, because you're definitely not in the mood for games.) If you're happily attached, keeping it that way won't be tough at all, especially from April through August. You and your sweetie will probably be getting along so well, in fact, that you may temporarily disappear from your social circle's 'active' list. Oh well. It's good to hibernate every now and then -- especially when puttering around together in your PJs sounds far better than taking a chauffeured limo ride to the opera. All in all, life will be good, thanks to your number one squeeze -- and you've certainly earned it. Kick back and enjoy the fruits of your labor and the company of your loved ones. Then, with your unselfish motives intact, get out there and spread your blessings around!

long and dry

2005-11-27T11:14:00.000-08:00

So Thanksgiving break was more intense than I could have guessed. There was drinking and no sleep from Wednesday night straight through to Sunday. Bar drags, movies, billiards, catching up with people and causing new trouble, riding, family and old friends who still rock hard.

I took this cool picture leaving the barn yesterday:
The sky was on fire and it ruled.

Things learned over break:

1. If you live in Texas you think Cedric Diggory is hot.
Sub-learned related items to 1:
--Two times is just enough to get down with HP4. Three is possibly too many- but we'll find out over christmas break.
--You must have severe A.D.D. to accept and comprehend a 2.5 hour movie based on a 734 page book.
--You must have supreme faith to beleive that the next one will be any more comprehensive.

2. You should avoid random chemistry with friends.

3. Long dry sandwiches are good intros to bad pick up lines.

4. Star Wars III sucks hard. And was made using Powerpoint.

5. The registration sticker on my license plate expired two months ago, and the new one never arrived. How did I miss this?

6. My hair used to be blond and I rode the biggest horse on the face of the planet when I was 11.
Me on Virgil:
I was a pretty tall 11 year old, he was just a huge horse.
And then there's the hair:
Judging by the shirt my fashion sense had been shot and killed sometime earlier that summer.

You dig it. Don't lie.

7. I have Dutch ancestry! Amsterdam the motherland... Other parts of ancestry include 'Indian Horse Theif'

8. I will never correctly interpret 'Nachos'

That concludes the Thanksgiving learning.

OMG LOL ROTFL BRB TTYL

2005-11-20T17:42:00.000-08:00

why are these things okay to use? you've been typing your entire life at this point. type the whole sentence. it takes longer to understand what a string of letters means than it does to recognize the shape of words in a sentence.

also- feminism. die.

seriously people. I know i'm spoiled by Bryn Mawr and it's philosophy of you can do anything you want with your life, but I had that perspective before I went there. If you think anything else and you are a reasonably well-off human being of any gender in a free country, you are a fool to think otherwise. anyone who says that women are barred from any industry have not met a woman talented or determined enough to prove them wrong. women head an enormous number of powerful organizations and in the rising generation do not have to sacrifice 'domestic' balance (if they want it) with professionalism to do so.

generation y is part of it, but a sense of reality is the other part. gender limitations are no longer an excuse. you can vote, you can show your face in public you can walk unsupervised. i am just tired of hearing women waste time whining about their gender being underrepresented in x field because of x study yadda yaaadda. please ladies. suck it up and turn it into self respect. you can do anything you want, your ovaries aren't going to stop you.

you don't need to be a feminist to be powerful, beautiful and respected. feminism is the empowering equivalent of tying yourself to the pole to prove you can take the whip.

Tongue in chic

2005-11-16T08:36:00.000-08:00

Can you picture Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley) singing along to Usher's "U got it bad?" This and other american pop classics such as "Forgot about Dre" are in this kid's (iTunes celebrity) playlist accompanied by reviews such as "Good lyrics." "Nice Lyrics" and "I went to the concert." This is just good natured joshing. It makes me think of what my younger brother would pick for a playlist and what comments he would write if it was suggested to him by his PR folks that he participate.

Dan Radcliffe (Harry) got a little more into it with prolific use of positive and forceful adjectives (and adverbs) like "incredibly, absolutely, spectacular, immensely" and so on. But his picks were laudible including bands like the Arcade Fire, Pixies and the Futureheads. Oh Danny boy.

Actually thanks to him I'll be checking out British Sea Power. His american pop pick was Weezer's "Buddy Holly."

mind over matters

2005-11-12T19:24:00.000-08:00

Vignette:

One year and one half ago I was walking in the mall with one of my best friends from way back when, movie theater days, odd couple tho we are that's the way it works. He grew up in a part of Philly that had slightly more car chases and shootings than where I lived, and slightly less cash. He signed up for the military and is able to tell me things about Florence that I had no idea, though I would be going there myself in a few weeks from that day. When we look back at where we have been it's delightful to see how clueless we were as to where we would end up and the things we would have seen someday when we were looking back.

no wait...

2005-11-11T11:06:00.000-08:00

i was wrong.

there was something less productive i could have been doing with my time, and i did it right after i stopped blogging. reading other people's blogs. and getting sucked into Snopes.com.

I didn't stand a chance.

back to work. seriously.

investigative reporting

2005-11-10T19:50:00.000-08:00

i miss livejournal sometimes when i want pre-determined areas to discuss what emoticon i am feeling like and what music i am probably not listening to at the moment. As a tribute, pulled from a livejournal, heard secondhand, laughed at firsthand, the following:

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell cant paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you.

Anyway, I was delighted to learn that I can get on with designing and printing t-shirts for a really afforable price. DIY screen printing or even direct brush application of the ink to a tshirt (if you're feeling particularly lazy) is easy and cheap. Can't wait to get started (because I'm running out of excuses).

How glorious this internet life!

Right now I am interested in embroidering t-shirts though. Of course right now it's a huge craze, but that is coincidental. And most of those shirts look horrendous. Less is more anyone?

This is no livejournal, but this is what's playing in my head anyway:

I got a timebomb, in my mind Mom.
I hear it ticking but I don't know why.
I call the police, but they don't like me.
I hear 'em whispering when I walk by.

I got a landmine in my bloodline.
I'm not immune to getting blown apart.
She's like a claymore, that's what she's there for.
She's waiting 'round here to get blown apart.

Having her on my brain's like getting hit by a train,
She's gonna kill me. Oh Celeste, oh Celeste.

I got a timebemb, in my mind Mom,
It's gonna go off, but I don't know when.
I need a doctor to extract her.
I got a feeling she'd get right back in again

I got a timebemb, in my mind Mom,
I got it badly for a stick-legged girl
She's gonna kill me, and I don't mean softly.
I got it badly for a stick-legged girl

Having her on my brain's like getting hit by a train,
She's gonna kill me. Oh Celeste, oh Celeste, oh Celeste.

-Old 97's, Timebomb

There isn't anything less productive I could be doing with my time right now, so I'm going to stop this nonsense and get back to doing something else.

hate male

2005-11-05T18:39:00.000-08:00

from a craigslist apartment description:

GAS FIREPLACEPLACE!!!!!!!!

hehe.

short attention span or excited fingers?

so i get no love from the male species these days. one of the more fractious horses at the barn actually bared his teeth at me today. like, in a i-would-like-to-chomp-your-face-off-way.

fucker.

then the human males are doing even more poorly. i mean i was taken aback by the horse's behavior...but i dont know how to deal with them as well as I do with domestic animals. put me in a room with a cat and dog and i've got new buddies. put me somewhere with a horse and there's still a bit of um, er...so. I know this will change, it already has, it continues to. I just need to be less sensitive to stupid animals than I am.

oh well.

as i was getting ready to leave i had my car doors open and this handsome young cat from the barn leapt into my car, explored the front seat, jumped into the back when i moved back there to put stuff away and curled up on top of the back seats until i moved back to the front of the car. i had to walk him completely back into the barn before i was sure he would stop jumping in my car.

i appreciated the positive attention from him and one of the dogs that follows me around. i don't think she gets much attention and those are my favorite kind. I can relate I guess. haha! sad.

so for all the politics and other animal aggression at the barn there is a small karmic balance thanks to the cats and dog.

i'm ignoring the human drama. i guess my human is fractious too. the periods of energy sucking are random and come without warning. i've taken advantage of these periods to prepare for my own future life. Visiting a grad program in the city on monday, looking around at apartment and job listings just to get a head start. The freelance is going pretty well but I think a real (part-time at least) job is in order. I'm just waiting for my story to come to me. Soon I hope. I am comforted on rough days by the fact that in the future I will have comfortable and pleasant days. Maybe even happy days. Days like today are going to happen. You just have to go with it. But the more often they happen the more often I start to take a different life path very seriously. I don't have to deal with this. I should be surrounded by people who are equally outgoing and loving and positive.

Deb and I went out to dinner last night at a cafe/restaurant Lara and I had actually been meaning to try for a while- Lara if you're reading this, it was pretty good! The specials saved the menu though, it was very basic, and no steak!! We laughed through the whole meal just like everyone should. If my friends and I were single and independent women for the rest of our lives I would be perfectly happy. But you know everyone ends up getting stuck with someone, and you're not always going to like the person your friends end up with. Boo.

I got no love today. But I did ride pretty well. I guess you can't have everything.

Hard to believe...

2005-11-03T08:05:00.000-08:00

...that there was life after Calvin & Hobbes.

blogging = work?

2005-11-02T16:47:00.000-08:00

using the computer is a start.

bodyguards learn protective driving in an SHO. that's like learning about sex from a model. Not a supermodel, it's only an SHO.

so today I rode better than I ever have really... Well I might have ridden really well when I was younger and fearless. I did come home with alot of ribbons. But over this past year of my adult revisitation of riding, I learned that I was doing something wrong all year, which threw everything else off just so. But in the beautiful fall weather and with this new knowledge, the last two lessons have been awesome.

Enough chit chat. Check it out:
The Barn!
The boys in one of the pastures.
Heeeeeere's Jack-o!
As I started typing 'Harry Potter' as in 'Harry Potter is coming out soon' a preview came on television...moderately freaky. Thanksgiving is soon!

Time to do some work and stretch.

devotchka dammit!

2005-10-25T22:54:00.000-07:00

good call on the part of 'everything is illuminated' to use DeVotchKa's 'how it ends'

also awesome by them is 'Tragedy' from the Super Melodrama album.

on my mind...

2005-10-23T22:18:00.000-07:00

AVIAN FLU!!!

slouching gaucho

2005-10-23T16:59:00.000-07:00

Fall party went well. Some folks bailed last minute, but that's to be expected. We had delicious punch served from the severed head of a pumpkin man,

kettle chips served in a kettle, caramel and apples, halloween mnms, and a good portion of the stock of the baker street bread company, thanks to fish.

On the enormous peanut butter cookies, christine says: "Yeah, I don't know why the peanut butter ones bake like that."

True to party form there were unwanted come-ons, gender confusions, hospital emergencies, and one guy who gets too drunk.

I put a tarp up on the deck the night before the party and it proceeded to spark my first conversation with our next door neighbors, whose deck is about 10 feet from ours, and also proceeded to collect several gallons of rainwater. I took it down today to avoid the general disease situation of stagnant water and also because if I hadn't the huge sag in the middle would have eventually ruined the tarp or torn the mosquito netting underneath.

It's finally cold here, very cold. But it still isn't fall. The picture below is the all-green foliage in the area with some fun little cumulous clouds in the background, annoyingly reminding us that it rained all day yesterday and will do so again in a few days. Can we get a hurricane breaker-upper?

You can see the one little guy in the bottom left corner. He was ready for fall a few weeks ago and changed his clothes a little early.

I stopped into a bookstore to find Hot-Air Henry, a book from my childhood that I remember watching on Reading Rainbow, and subsequently named our found kitten after as a child. But I never owned the book and it is a bit obscure. Looks like I'll be getting it on Amazon. I did however pick up "How We Are Hungry," the cover grabbed my attention really.
I also picked up some rubber fish just for the hell of it- which I introduced to my betta fish, who proceeded to tear the little rubber bugger to peices. Really, he took a vicious bite and I removed the opponent and his floating peice. I didn't want the real fish eating rubber. The betta felt good about himself and the rubber fish bounced right back from the ordeal.

Also- Jeff Corwin is awesome.

the screaming racist

2005-10-18T09:24:00.000-07:00

So the other morning at 4 am I am roused from a mediocre sleep by someone outside screaming at the top of their lungs.

"Yeah!!! Woo hoo!! Ahhhhh!!!"
quiet
"Yeahhhhhhh! Ahhhhhh!!! F*ck white people!!! I hate white people!!!"
qui-"Ahhhhhh!!!"

And then the above repeats with a series of alternating silences that last just long enough for you to think, well maybe he's done...oh- no there he goes again.

wtf?
Seriously.

By the time I had decided to yell back, he had stopped. It sounded like someone had gradually been coercing him down the sidewalk.

With the beautiful fall weather I've been sleeping with the windows open, but since our apartment is in the front of the building, this is generally accepted to be a bad idea. Not only does dawn rip right through our steel blinds, but the biggest trucks and the most heavy-handed drivers tear down the street at 5 am.

They encourage me to never work a job that requires that commute.

What is the etiquette on petting someone else's animal? I find that most people have a latent possessiveness about their animal. I mean, you wouldn't go up and vigorously rub the head of any of their other family members on the street. Or would you? Weirdo.

I like dogs. I don't care about the people walking them. I like the carriage horses as well. And if they are stopped on the street I will pat them on the nose as I go by. It's up to the animal really. Some animals clearly do not want the attention.

For my next job I think I would like to work with animals. Even while thinking about grad school and my ultimate goals, my desire right now is to make money, but to do it in a non-traditional way. I could drive full throttle down a successful career path right now, but do I want to? Well- could I really? Of course if I wanted to, I really could- but I want to work with animals for the time being. Every field teaches us about every other (thank you interdisciplinary liberal arts education) and it's a bit foolish to think we understand the world and how to communicate with people if we disregard all other forms of life.

All I want right now is to expand my understanding.

a small sunday history

2005-10-09T11:22:00.000-07:00

went to rhode island last weekend, friday and saturday. talked to the folks at RISD in the Digital Media Program. Hung around with some students. It looks like an incredibly challenging and enriching program my main hesitation is location but we'll see. I will go where the best program is.

The flight itself is literally like a half hour. Ridiculous.

Came home on Saturday and went to my grandfather's 90th birthday party on Sunday. He only went gray last year, full head of hair, song and dance and sharp witticisms still in tact. He's an incredible guy.

More recently was a friday discovery of Philly. We went to the art museum in the afternoon, around 4 ish, and happened upon something called 'Art after 5' where the museum hosts live musical performances complete with full bar and menu and people just sit on the steps and enjoy, and continue milling about the museum. An hour into the performance the entire main hall was packed. Very impressive. Thoroughly enjoyable.

We followed this up with the Decemberists concert, and as live performances go, this was a young awkward masterpeice with many tributes to live performance eras past. The narrative and cultural environments the Decemberists create with their music were only enriched by their stage performance. Beautiful and hilarious to behold.

I was disturbingly struck by how young these people were, then amazed by how well sampled our generation is, then distracted by the stage set and their indicative similarities to thin-slice perception as discussed in 'Blink.'

Our access to information and the participatory nature of the internet (Web 2.0) are shaping a world the results of which we can only theorize. We can see it happening and shape it with our own hands but only wait with ears perked to see what we will look back on.

Meanwhile we are having more storms than we are accustomed to...which can only be a sign of change. Good or bad who's to say, but we seem to be heading the way of the stormy planets of our neighboring galaxy members with only Douglas Adams to guide us in his pecuiliarly humanized version of the universe.

From the dark days of frontier america to the fat being bombed by the irrational we are more volatile as a planet than we have been yet. What was life like when we were unaware?

cleaning house

2005-09-18T19:29:00.000-07:00

Well- being an independent contractor affords me alot less time than I anticipated. I'm in meetings frequently and the hours are substantial, which is good. The thought of having nothing to do will always disturb me. Until I find a real sense of purpose with my life and seek meditative stillness I guess.

Anyway.

The projects are going well and I am getting ready for grad school by doing GRE prep whenever I have the opportunity. Among leisure readings I also check out the RenderMan books to investigate my career plans.

Nothing is really going on, hence not blogging in a while. This feels like a time of direction seeking and preparation. If I don't make a choice that inspires me now, I feel like I might wander much longer than I'd like. So stress has been a major factor, with the new position and adapting to a different lifestyle...I'll get there. Or else I have a good reason to be stressed.

Something I've been thinking about:
Petfinder

I am almost ready to consider getting a dog. But there are more preparations to make than just financial. So it really could be a while. But it doesn't hurt to look.

I also saw 'Grizzly Man' 'Happy Endings' 'The Aristocrats' and 'The Constant Gardener' recently. Having a friend employed at an independent Theater means less free blockbusters, more free 'intellectual' material.

So for me this is a time of consumption. Of drawing in influences and ideas and hopefully making their influences meaningful in the near future. When my blog starts to be interesting we'll know we're getting somewhere.

A question...

2005-09-03T22:48:00.000-07:00

Why do the majority of commercials for 'urban' themed films and 'edgy' new dramas/comedy specials feature a classic crispy white announcer voice using slang and insinuating foul language?

This bothers me.

Woman on the verge...

2005-08-31T08:14:00.000-07:00

I can't believe my last post was a month ago, and that August is gone. So much stuff happened this month. All of the things I speculated in my last post and more.

South Dakota was amazing (I talked about it so much I was sure I had posted). I arrived in the seven gate airport to be greeted by a shaggy-haired Brendan. We proceeded to his pimped out, dropped down Honda. All tinting and adjustments made by the previous owner. But appropriately hilarious nonetheless.

The good times ensued. We had to get up kind of early the next day to take a climbing group out by Sylvan Lake.Sylvan lake is a manmade lake out of which stick immense rounded rocks. These rocks are made of some of the sharpest stuff on the planet, which makes scrambling over them in a bathing suit interesting.

I spent the day exploring the lake on my own, under the guise of being the Sylvan Lakes photographer. I fullfilled my photographic duties, but for my own purposes. The group that they took up was totally weird. So weird. I can't even describe. And I'd rather not.

Observe how serene the lake appears, then imagine that just behind the photographer there are hundreds of swarming bikers, ripping and farting their way around this peaceful landscape. Now imagine that in every one street town and natural wonder you visit.

Sturgis was the week I was there.

Obnoxious.

The first few days were devoted to taking this weird ass group around for their warm up climbs to prepare for Devil's Tower.

The Devils Tower (apostrophe optional) climb is this lifetime acheivement for alot of people, and Brendan and his housemates grumble about having to 'go to work.' But they do it understanding that their office is much nicer than everyone else's on the planet.

The third day we were there (I think that's right) we drove out to Wyoming for the Devils Tower climb the next morning. Our destination was Frank's lawn. Frank is an old climber guy who's aura sits above his head as he curses up a storm, he lives on the state park land of Devils Tower because he lived there before it was a state park. We slept on his lawn, under the stars. It was fabulous, with big fiery shooting stars that slid across the skies for minutes at a time. We also saw the space shuttle and some satellites.

Of course, sleeping under the stars has its disadvantages if you are severely allergic to mosquitos. My head was the only thing sticking out of my blanket and a mosquito bit me twice around my left eye, so I walked around that entire day, and much of the next with a completely swollen eye. It sucked. It looked like a shiner, but with no bruise. And it lasted longer than normal. Usually the swelling goes down in a day- but this is just ridiculous.

So I was bitten around 3:30 in the morning and we had to get up at 4. I didn't sleep that last hour and a half but just lay underneath the blanket- swiping at anything that tickled. I need to do something about this mosquito allergy. It's unacceptable.

So I walked around all day at Devil's tower, trying to avoid people with my swollen face. The crowds were pretty thick by 10 am even, so I parked myself on a rock and watched the group climb. Some people came up to ask me when they started and if I knew them, how long it takes and the general history of rock climbing. I guess sitting on a rock with a Nalgene bottle over your eye makes you look omniscient.

After Devil's tower we headed back to Hill City. We spent a few of our evenings in the local bars (there are four within walking distance) which were much nicer than you might imagine. Hill City has a separated beer/liquor license, so we would walk down to one bar and get my mixed drinks, and walk back with them to the bar with the upstairs deck that only served beer.

Over the next few days we tapped into theories of meaning and existence, we checked out the Badlands, wrassled with some wild burros (read: fed some friendly, but wild, donkeys granola).

I'm not as scared as I look.

Those guys were awesome. Most of them were juvenile and very sweet. Only the adults seemed a little disgruntled. But even they, with their neck fat, were pretty mellow.

That was in Custer State Park. There were also Bison, antelope and other such things.

We also visited the Cosmos, a tourist trap optical illusion that makes you stand diagonally and totally fucks with your head. It feels real, but isn't.

We met some nice bikers from Maine, saw Mount Rushmore, (I had to rent North by Northwest again, a) because I love it b) because now I've been there) went on a western-style trail ride. That was fun. Brendan's first time riding a horse, my first time riding Western. It was totally worth it.

We had Indian tacos (a terrible self-appointed misnomer) which were DELICIOUS.

We checked out Wall Drug. I left my bumper sticker somewhere there. Oh well. Basically- it was exactly the vacation I needed. It was amazing and I can't wait to go back. To see even more of the West, to see Colorado, Montana...all that stuff. Its good. Clears your head.

Of course I was miserable working when I got back. But- that brings us to the real meaning of today's post. Today was my last day of 9-5, for who knows how long. If I keep a successful web design career- for a while.

As of tomorrow I am officially an independent contractor. I am once again my own 'boss' and will be in the office from time to time to help with Bryn Mawr issues, but for the most part I'll be working from home, enjoying the freedom of making my own hours for a while and possibly getting a dog.

In other news- tomorrow we ride. I can't wait!!

heinz

2005-07-30T23:57:00.000-07:00

let's play ketchup.

first things first- for those of you who were paying attention, my mom was in the hospital for a good portion of the past week. She is out now with mostly good news.

The past week itself has been eventful and included hanging out with mounties on more than one occasion- long lost los has now left for texas, but not before having sushi lunch with me and making me taste her sesame salad dressing to make sure it wasn't peanut dressing. After she had left, some of the girls and I went to see 'Wedding Crashers' which was hilarious the first time- and fish had peanut chews, a realization at which I momentarily panicked and prepared to warn los- however, she was in no danger, as she was long gone. So spending more time with these girls this summer than was previously possible over winter and holiday breaks has been interesting. We've all graduated and are doing the 'real world' thing, some of us are going back to grad school but the fact that we've come this far together is pretty cool.

Quick Wedding Crashers note: This film was fabulously hilarious when seen with a group of intelligent girls and a good-natured audience. But I have since seen it a second time and while certain parts are still priceless, it really depends on who you're watching it with. The audience was terrible. No one laughed unless it was explicitly funny. Many wasted jokes on that crowd. And I also spent alot of time staring at Owen Wilson in mild horror...he is so...interesting looking. His eyes reflect light in an unnatural way- like he is always looking straight into one of those silver photographic umbrellas, but he also looked like he had been airbrushed...heavily.

I saw Adrian Belew down at Penn's landing with my dad, boy and brother. Surprisingly good. Not surprisingly strange. Afterwards we had dinner at 'Cafe Positano.' My Positano obsession ensures that I will try almost any restaurant with 'Positano' in the name...in this case we are referring to the old Olive Garden location on Dock Street with new strange decor of non-Positano-like clothing items pasted into alcoves and even stranger staff uniforms of blue scrubs and plain white t-shirts? wha? but I did have a moderate amount of lobster and was later nauseous...because I think I am mildly allergic to crustaceans. But they taste so good...

This past week in Tech work has involved creating a walking tour of the College for handheld computers, this took me into a very specific area of design with new limitations and restrictions. It was a great experience and this tour is really only a small indication of us moving forward to experiment with what technology can really do for us. We also spent one of the days this week moving books in our Art History Library this weekend. Moving all of those books made me want to read every single one. It's a small goal I have for myself. Read every book ever written (crap optional). I think I can do it.

Today was spent moving stuff from the old Barn to the New Barn including horses and lesson tack. The new barn is immensely luxurious- it's like the Ritz-Carlton-Hilton of barns. Absolutely unbelievable. Huge expanses of land, great big stalls, every horse has a window so he can see out into the fields or see other horses which is a huge comfort. Old jackie boy was there and he actually conceded to let me pet him for almost an extended period of time. Which really was a first, normally he tries to intimidate you with a bite after a pat or two, but he seems to genuinely be grudgingly warming up. He's so strange, but I like him all the same. Fortunately the drive is not as long as it might have been. It will be a bigger time commitment, but really- all any of us really has is time.

The web design is going swimmingly- this site could stand some improvement but it is not high priority. This weekend brings to a close the design of a local freelance writer as well as the College's library site. If anything the demand for my work is higher than my time tolerance for the same, but I am not stressed in this regard yet. If I become stressed then I will have to learn to say no to an opportunity-- but I don't see that happening.

I got a postcard from Ann in China, she sounds like she is having an awesome time. And I like postcards. So everybody wins. Wednesday I'm off to the races (Saratoga to be exact) and Thursday I'm off to South Dakota for a week. That should be pretty awesome. I was informed today that there is a wild horse sanctuary to which we will have access and that I would be doing wandering- which is something I like to do.

When I get back from South Dakota, Deb will be here and we will be riding at the new barn. Unbelievable, the summer is just flying by. But it's all been great.

Things are moving along and soon I think I will see some direction.

"Mumbler!" - Johnny Depp as Willie Wonka