wow

it's like i've dated this guy...

Maybe the love you won't receive
Would lead me beyond that part of me
And I know it's sad but I agree
You gave it away too easily
When all of the things you made me see
That lead me to this solemn decree
I ain't sayin she's better than you , you see
She's just better than you, for me

So throw those hands up
I didn't mean to drag you down
And keep that head up
It's better than the runaround

Maybe your mother won't ever see
Half of the us become a we
And I know it's sad
But I agree
You could just leave so easily
And all of the things you showed to me
That lead me to this solemn decree
I ain't sayin she's better than you, you see
She's just better than you, for me

So throw those hands up
I didn't mean to drag you down
And keep that head up
It's better than the runaround

And later on you'll be grateful
That I gave it to you straightaway
Cos honestly
I could have said
These things happen every day

Like all your men set in the past
It's better to leave without being asked
So tell me again you'll let me go
Without saying things you already know
Like it's over
And you dont know her
But let me tell you honestly
I aint sayin she's better than you, you see
she's just better than you, for me

metaphors: shaken, not stirred

today i found a butterfly with its wings in tatters. i picked it up, but i couldn't kill it. The philasophy at the rehab clinic is to not let living things suffer, but I never feel like it is rightly in my hands to choose life or death for a creature i don't know, excepting a number of circumstances. so i moved this particular butterfly to our garden in the back and maybe a bird would see him and eat him- which is probably how he ended up that way in the first place, or maybe he would die, but at least not in the dirt of a driveway.

sympathy empathy and antipathy

one thing, possibly the only thing that consistently bothers and shows me that things are changing (hopefully for the better) but significantly nonetheless...is seeing through people. some people can't be honest with themselves, and so can't be honest with others, and this is sad, because otherwise they are valuable friendships and quality time investments. but when someone has to hide elements of themselves they hold core and yet can't bring public...they are not themselves, they retreat into the world they create and you lose them.

oh well, but it's painful to see how many people do this. occasionally people you know well and have known for years will perform a variant circus act, where they retreat into a relationship and change because of it. yes strong bonds can change people, and do, and show us things about ourselves that we would never have otherwise learned, good and bad. it's not been so long or so insignificant that i've forgotten this- but why do so many people fall into the trap that the rest of life is deserted when a strong relationship is formed? this can't be healthy.

am i the only person who thinks you should be able to be happy in an honest and open relationship and still have the rest of your life at hand? i know that this expectation signals my immaturity, my reluctance to embrace an all-encompassing relationship again, and that is on me- but i think that it's an important pattern to note. how many people do this, why do we do this, is survival instinct so strong that we begin building that emotional den as soon as we find a handhold?

immaturity aside, it speaks to the one expectation that i do have and will not settle to see unfullfilled. i will find it to be true or admit idealistic defeat, but i beleive there is someone out there who is happy, strong, open, who loves to live and share life but still knows how to love singularly. this can't be impossible, but it seems to be more seeking the lion in a crowd of housecats.

i hope that i don't lose too many friends to the great belly of serial monogamy. keep your heads above water.

wolfman

okay the blog is back at least for now because when you stop blogging lots of random things happen.

today we went to the dog park, me and one of my many friends with the name 'chris' and he's growing a beard, which we didn't anticipate being problematic, but one dog did not approve of his beard. She kept growling and barking at him. At one point she got between me and him and was barking at him to get him away. Verrrry strange! We assumed she thought he was the wolfman and was upset by this idea. Chris also brought a pug he was dogsitting named Buster. This dog was cute! And very tolerant of Laurelai's puppy shenanigans. She did pretty well for her first time at a dog park. She hid behind me and under people and attacked some dogs while rolling on her back in a submissive fear daze for others.

In other news, my cousins from North Carolina were here for a few days. That was fun! We did lots of stuff. We unpacked boxes, walked up hills, ate foodstuffs, baked cookies, went down the shore for a day, rode a ferris wheel, rode a carousel and the slingshot, bought caramel corn, visited the wildlife rehab, played with the puppy, visited the horse, named a shape in the trees 'Tim Stanley' and told Cailin she was a good girl.

Having a dog means meeting alot of new people. It's lots of fun! The pup is getting bigger but her weird head bumps are not really getting better. However, she is turning out to be a brindle pattern which is a cool surprise. She's gained four pounds in three weeks. She was dropped on her head by my roomate and had her first emergency trip to the hospital, she fights regularly with the cat, who has taken to biting her head, which is kind of entertaining but ultimately really detrimental for healing whatever that stuff is.

Things at home are moving along in terms of being moved in and having organized workspace (generally due to having spent alot of money on organizational stuff and some home items), but there is a permanantly stinking cat litter box which makes life in a small apartment generally unpleasant and its owner is a bit too busy to change it. It's not even something that should be an issue. Soon it won't be. Things need to move a little more smoothly on the home front or change significantly. But I will be starting school in a little over a week so will be home less. I am sort of excited for classes but also apprehensive. But I love me some learning so I can't wait really. I am going to go insane trying to work and do school both full time, but it can and will be done.

I have pictures to put up but not tonight.

Nikki's mom came up to the barn with me one day to meet the horse, the puppy came along for her first day at the barn and was terrified out of her mind. But she has since gotten bolder, and jealous when I am doing something with the horse. Which is funny because he gets jealous when we are all paying attention to the puppy and not him. I definitely love the dog, but I love the horse in a totally different way. Those two animals are so different to relate to, and I know no matter how good the dog, no animal can ever replace the spot King has in my heart. That horse is the best thing that's ever happened.

Anyway, then fisher and chris and I went to Rittenhouse with her bunny and my puppy and people literally lined up to pet the most adorable pair in the park. It was ridiculous. Of course I learned to tell people 'staffordshire terrier' after hearing no less than three stories about pit bulls mauling people, and after people who had been fawning over Laurelai kind of backing away slowly after learning her breed. It's painful to witness that kind of ignorance firsthand. Oh but I will post a picture from that day:
Yeah that's the cutest thing you've ever seen. Don't even try to deny it. You can even see the little pink of Laurelai's tongue licking Franklin's cheek. Man they are too cute. And I am bunny-sitting this upcoming week so they will have more quality time together yay!

Fisher also came out for a playdate with Marcel (well so Franklin could play with him, not Fisher herself), the lop eared rabbit at the Wildlife rehab clinic. Marcel is sort of our mascot and is a cool dude but had been without a female bunny presence for so long he forgot all of his manners and chased her around in almost violent fashion for a while. But eventually they sort of did their own things. He did take the time to strike fear into the heart of the dog though. Laurelai was interested in Marcel but he was not interested in her so he jumped up in the air over her head and caught her with a claw on the way and she yiped in pain and surprise and came running for mommy. My pit bull is afraid of bunnies. Well a little healthy respect can't hurt!

She completely ignored the chickens, but they were also bigger than her at the time.

Ok there is more but see if it gets here.

get it together

Hopefully blogging will help me focus. I've been working and music exploring all day, I think 5 ish is a good time to switch gears before trying to get a little more work done. Because so far, not that much is getting done or quickly at that.

The rest of Nashville time was tons of fun. We went to a honkey tonk bar, I partied with some very cool people. I have never gotten so filthy at a bar though. People were extra-wasted because Brewfest had been that day, so most people came out to drink more...after drinking all day.

My pants and feet and flipflops were black. Horrifying!

Before that interesting night, we went to the zoo and all the animals were out and active. And the cool thing about the Nashville Zoo is that there is a historic farm on the premesis. They had a tenessee walking horse and a Percheron. Bea-yoo-tee-full. And they had a hysterically loud sheep.

We also fed some lorakeets, which was cool. They sit on your arm and drink nectar out of a cup. Birds sitting on me is something I have become extremely used to, but those are babies before they reach the fear stage, and while they still identify you as a source of food. So it was cool to have some adult exotic birds hanging out.

A cool african crested bird we weren't allowed to feed.

Crikey!

We drove down the recording studio streets and saw these beautiful historic houses that have been converted to studios, so cool. I will always love recording studios, who knows. Maybe one day I will get back into it.

I returned my dog to the spca today. I couldn't take it anymore. She was too crazy. She's a good dog, but crazy. And maybe not even good. I prefer not to find out.

But tomorrow (I thought I had another week at least) I am going to pick up my puppy, the real dog that I have wanted from the get-go. It feels right, while everything with Nera just felt stressful. People who spend alot of time with domestic animals can read them quickly. Sometimes an animal just doesn't like you at first. And in every dog owner's life, there is one dog that is 'their dog'. That one perfect canine companion. It happens, but it's not every dog that we own. Horses are hit or miss too. You can buy a horse thinking it will work out and find that you are horribly matched. But I knew with King that he was the one for me. And he turned out to be the best thing I ever spent my money on. I feel similarly about this dog. I have an underlying positive certainty that this is right.


Me on a racehorse : )
I just think this is a cool shot.

do re me fa so la ti da

I was going to blog the other day, but then I slacked.

We went down the shore this past weekend, that was sweet. A few days of sun and a little relaxing, and late night work. The dog was a freaking terror, she picked up the habit of eating shoes and trash. Ruined two pairs of flip flops and basically just begged for an exorcism.

Mark enjoys the most delicious 10 minutes of his life.
Chris reaches for his gun...sike.

So I sat out on the beach for a day and used my superpower of super-mega-insta-tan, which is usually followed by super-mega-insta-nose-peel. I can't list all of my super powers, but I can list my kryptonites: escalators (when carrying luggage) and spinning doors.

Then my paycheck proceeded to not arrive, and my checking account to fall below minimum balance, so I had the happy task of closing my savings account and depositing it into my checking account to stay head above water. Which I am doing just barely. I am sure my paycheck wasn't processed in a timely fashion and thus I am s.o.l. for a few days, conveniently I am touring around Nashville. Not the best time to have my hands tied.

On the plane ride down this disarmingly sweet woman started chatting with me while I was reading, and she started talking about normal things like where she was from and stuff like that, and would interject interesting things like her mother is from South America but she was born in Louisiana and lure me into this folkloric security, imagining all of the rustic charm of her life, and then she would interject that sometimes she had thought about killing herself when times were hard and did I know Jesus, he is a good guy. She would continue to do this after I pried myself out of her conversational grasp. Luring me in with a story about her son's cancer (something to which you can't be like listen lady, I don't care) she said that Jesus saved him. Which I am sure he did, but I already know about Jesus and didn't care to hear about him for 2 and a half hours, but I did. I only got about 20 minutes of silence. This woman's daughter was in the aisle across from her, sending silent signals that maybe I would like to read my book. Maybe I would, maybe I just would. But I did get pretty far with the book which is my favorite thing about plane rides. They offer the opportunity to ignore the high probability of death by aggressively immersing yourself in literature. This particular book is in Italian and is a tale near and dear to my heart, so all the better.

Nashville is cool so far, very interesting things here. Mexican popsicles in a crazy variety of flavors with all real ingredients (I had chocolate wasabi- ouch!) a park with a replica of the Parthenon, and hot hot weather, though the storm system I was hating in Philadelphia has followed me down here. I hear tell that it wasn't storming before I came here but flying out we had to avoid a storm and were grounded for about an hour, and today it is raining and going to storm a bit probably. Seriously- the next six years between now and when the world is projected to end are going to be miserable if this is any indication.

I got a ton of work done today for once in my life- probably having something to do with not having to get up and yell at the dog every two minutes. I went with Nikki to her cool science lab and parked myself with my laptop to dig out of my hole. So far getting better. This might be the opportunity I need to get on top of things. I hope so.

I am passing off this dog, so if anyone wants her, please speak up. She is a good dog, she is much better trained since our return from the shore and she is a fast learner. She's a quality dog, but she's not my dog. I am basically fostering her. I am hoping my younger brother will want to take her. I am, however, taking the pit bull puppy based on how she looks when I go to pick her up. We visited her the other day and she hasn't gotten much bigger, though some of the puppies have grown significantly. Her mother has a fur condition that makes the fur on top of her body thinner, I am hoping that it's not a genetic condition. I'll be doing a little research over the weekend since I am supposed to take her next week- though I think I will push it to the end of next week. I feel the affection for this dog that I can't feel for Nera for whatever reason.

Anyway, that's kind of crappy. But things are looking up...and getting rain in their eyes.

furniture theiving and labor movements

the days just get more interesting anymore.

today started off with a trip to a yard sale (something i haven't been to since i was ten, when i thought i could buy the world for five bucks) where we obtained some crap we didn't really need but it was cool so what the hey- and then some crap we did need, like an office chair (i.e. the world) for $5. You can't beat that when you've been sitting on a footstool for the last four months. Plus the dog can chew on it and who cares-... or could if she wasn't terrified of it, a terror encouraged by me wheeling around the room at her. At least now she leaves me alone when I am working at my computer : )

then after some furniture buying, we made a failed attempt at XPN's 'All About the Music' Festival. Apparently it was 'All About the Goddamn Rain' and the show was cancelled, rescheduled, and moved to an indoor venue that you couldn't buy tickets for, all right before Josh Ritter's set. Lovely, just fine. So I had gone down to Bookbinder's with Deb, she wasn't able to get off work (a good thing in the end) and I had to drive her car back in a sudden monsoon that was localized over center city. Water mains were firing off into the air, the streets were shallow canals and even the taxis were sort of careful. It was unbelievable.

Below a picture of the mess as seen from the car (while driving). You don't really get the 'whole city is underwater' effect, but trust that the 'Day After Tomorrow' is inherent in the low res details.



So after not dying, I came home and got some work done, moped around a little still wanting to go to the festival, and finally decided to be productive and get the dog crate Nikki's mom is lending me. At the prospect of food, Casey is kind enough to come along with me, we met their new neighbors and Nera terrifed yet another dog. Then we wrestled a giant metal crate into peices and into the car and by we, I mean Casey. Threw a blanket on top of it and a dog on top of that and went on our merry way. Which was more merry than the way there, because we didn't get turned around in Germantown.

Then I got a text from Deb saying she'd be off work in a half hour, so we opted to drop off the canine terror and go into the city for drinks and dinner at Continental. When people finally stopped standing directly outside of the window and staring at us, we had a good time.

Afterwards we had to part ways for reasons of unfortunate conflict, and then Deb and I headed over to Kosal's to hang out, but since we were tired it was more like a 'retrieve kosal, bring back to our house' mission for deb. we played with a giant white cat that sort of reminded me of marlon brando in 'The Island of Dr. Moreau', is that wrong to say? It was a nice cat. Just very Brando-ish.

On the way home we drove by a futon, backed up and a kid who was clearly wasted was throwing chairs off his steps. I rolled down the window and he was like 'Did you guys do this?' and I was like 'No? Aren't you throwing this stuff out?' and he said that yeah they were but he was going to kill his friends who stuck all the stuff outside i guess, so that he couldn't get into his house. I dont know. I said that we were checking out his futon and he said, take it, it's new, I've only had sex with a few girls on it. I said at the same time? He said no, and then asked us if we did this again. I said no, he said I love you, by the way. I said thanks, he said, take the futon, I said okay, we will.

And so we did. Armed with alan wrenches and some other clampy type tool, we got the station wagon and went back for the futon...at 3 am. We left the mattress because it was soaked and...sexed I guess, and took that baby home. Kosal rode in the back to make sure it didn't all slide out, and I drove sort of slow to make sure he and the whole affair didn't tumble out into the street.

A picture of Kosal in the back with the futon, giving us the thumbs up...oh no wait, that's the finger.And now, at 5 am, it is time for sleep.

weirdness

some days are tougher than others.

today is tough.

3 hours of sleep, strep throat immediately returning? i am fighting it off, let's hope i dont get it for the third time in three months.

nothing to do, no money, but a new doggie, though that is stressful too in it's own way.

i didn't think my first horse would be a mega-long-legged thoroughbred in black/dark bay. I didn't think my first dog would be basically the exact same combination of colors and be half airedale terrier, half pitbull or german shepherd. The SPCA lists her as half shepherd, but her body structure is pit bull, though her feet are pretty big, so I am not sure.

She's 4 months old, her name is Nera after the Fiume Nera in Umbria. Flat e, not a long e.






She is crazy. If she's double terrier that makes sense. She is smart, fast to learn and very friendly, but excessively high energy. Though at the same time she'll go with the flow. When she finally stopped flying across the room at me every time I sat down, I was able to lay down and take a nap and she napped with me the entire time, didn't run around, didn't tear through anything. It's a good start.

The cat hates her. He's in isolation with all of his goodies in deb's room. I introduced them once or twice and it went not terrible, but Winston was excessively aggressive. So right now I am keeping them separate because I would like Nera to not have her eyes clawed out and I don't want to stress Winston out. Eventually they will have to learn to live together and hopefully even like it.

I feel like poo. I am calling it an early night.